Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle is the much-quoted and referenced quantum physics theory stating that one can know a particle’s location or its velocity, but not both at the same time. In fact, the more we know about one of those measurements, the less we can know about the other. This same idea extends to Jeff Goldblum: we can hypothetically analyze his neurotic, charming swagger and “Hip Daddy-O” vibes, or his public persona’s ever-metastasizing, self-aware caricature of itself—but not the two simultaneously. Call it Goldblum’s Uncertainty Principle, if you will.
Having defined this new concept, let us jump right into the issue at hand: Getting Jeff Goldblum to attempt reviews of other people’s Jeff Goldblum impressions of is basically a pop cultural black hole. We are reaching a dangerous event horizon of handwringing, wild gesticulations, and purr-murmurs from the veteran actor and jazz aficionado.
We are taking this moment to urge everyone: Turn back now, for the love of God and all that is holy.
Watching Goldblum analyze impersonations from David Duchovny and Bryan Cranston (both beloved “zaddys” of their own rights) feels like we are witnessing a toddler operate the Large Hadron Collider. Who let this happen, and how can we shut it down before the universe collapses in on itself?
Quite frankly, it’s goddamn dangerous and irresponsible to see Jeff Goldblum catch himself imitating his imitators. The cosmos can only stand so much strain. Reality can be skewered only so far. The center cannot hold here, people.
Some may argue there are more pressing existential concerns in front of us, to which we say: Have you listened to Jeff Goldblum trace the history of his trademark, wide-eyed reaction faces? Please, someone, make it stop.
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