Lindsay Lohan affirms her existence with new charges for assault, lying to police

With the overwhelmingly negative response to Liz And Dick threatening to reduce her already tenuous grasp on stardom to gossamer illusion, Lindsay Lohan made a bid to remain shackled to this astral plane around 4 a.m. this morning when she was arrested for third-degree assault. According to various reports, Lohan became entangled in an argument with a Florida woman who bumped into her in the club's VIP section, threatening the stability of her orbit. Lohan allegedly said to the woman, "Give me my space"—a desperate demand for the tangible volume and mass of an object, clearly made by a person scared of imploding into nothingness. TMZ further reports that Lohan then allegedly punched this Florida woman in the face "for some reason," as gravitational collapse is a mystery of the universe that's so often beyond our human comprehension.

Having thus cemented her existence as a solid, Lohan was subsequently tethered to this dimension with handcuffs, then released with a desk appearance ticket for a later court date. She will now certainly be visible there, given that Lohan is also scheduled to be charged today with three all-new criminal counts, stemming from her allegedly lying to police officers in the wake of June's car accident. As Lohan also remains under probation for last year's theft from a jewelry store, these three new charges—combined with this morning's arrest—will most likely lead to a judge revoking Lohan's probation whenever she is arraigned, which could happen as early as next week. And this could once more lead to jail time for Lohan, and once again being sealed in a box that prevents her from simply disappearing into the void.