Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Donald Trump Ruins Cookies

There are many words you could use to sell Oreos that would be effective and wouldn't immediately cause retching—Delicious, Yummy, Happy, Sweet, Good, Treat. Honestly, you really only need one word, "Oreos," then maybe an arrow pointing to a big plate of Oreos.

But two words that should never, under any circumstances be used to sell Oreos are "lick race," and the person who should never, under any circumstances say those words is Donald Trump, mainly because when selling cookies, you don't want conjure up the image of Donald Trump's giant, flabby tongue. His image, without the added horror of licking, is unappetizing enough.

How hard is it to sell one of the most beloved, familiar cookies of the past 50 years to Americans? People love Oreos. They dunk them in milk. They crumble them on top of ice cream. They eat them in repulsive pizza form. They'd bathe in Oreos if someone would invent a disposable or self-cleaning bathtub.


Sure, Golden Oreos, aka Oreos For Weirdos, aka Who Broke The Oreos?, are a tougher sell. After all, Golden Oreos look as if they've been soaked in yellow highlighter, and are packaged in a bag that is the same bright color as fresh dog urine. But this commercial only heaves Donald Trump's flabby tongue on top of the pile of revulsion that is Golden Oreos. The only products Trump should be allowed to sell are Ipecac, sensory deprivation chambers, and Donald Trump.