Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

How to spot a false sex tape rumor. 1. The rumored sex tape participant is too good (read: repulsive) to be true.

He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.

Illustration for article titled How To Spot A False Sex Tape Rumor

2. No one with a name has actually seen the tape.

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.


3. Except, of course, for the guy who is trying to sell whatever the tape might be. And he will only say the vaguest things about it.

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.

"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."

4. Larry Flynt––hey, he does sex stuff!––is mentioned for believability's sake.

Schmidt is in L.A., shopping the tape to Hustler's Larry Flynt, Vivid's Steven Hirsch and other major distributors of adult video.


5. The tape supposedly includes one or all of the following things: unicorns, centaurs, hot leprechaun action, a "London Bridge," or a Dirty Sanchez.

We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."


6. The agent of the rumored sex tape participant takes the opportunity to remind the public of his client's upcoming gigs, and general availability to work.

Diamond's manager, Roger Paul, said his client has become a successful standup comic and will appear on the ABC sitcom "The Knights of Prosperity."

"I haven't seen the tape," Paul told us. "I've heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings."


7. There's a punny title already being bandied about.

The sex vid's working title is "Saved by the Smell." Ewwwww.

Of course, if anyone's seen it, please let me know.


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