Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Rock of Love: Episode 2

Illustration for article titled Rock of Love: Episode 2
Illustration for article titled Rock of Love: Episode 2

When you spend a lot of time obsessing over stuff that may not in fact be all that important or meaningful, a troubling existential crisis is bound to rear its ugly head every now and then. I am not referring to watching and writing about Rock Of Love 2, at least not primarily. I am referring to the monumental waste of time that is being a sports fan. I didn't watch Rock Of Love 2 at the regularly scheduled time Sunday night because I was busy having my heart ripped out by the sorry, no account Green Bay Packers and their gunslingin' just-havin'-fun-out-there-like-kids-on-the-fucking-sandlot quarterback Brett Favre, who set up victory for the New York Giants by throwing an interception into blanket coverage my grandmother could have read without her glasses on in overtime. (Yes, I'm aware that making a "my grandmother could have seen that" comment is pure hackiness for a writer, but I don't have the heart to be clever at the moment.)

Since I'm one of those idiots that refers to his favorite sports teams as "us" instead of more accurate or appropriate terms like "them" or "who?" the Packers' 23-20 loss in the NFC Championship Game–at Lambeau fucking Field, for the love of Christ–has left me with the kind of profound emptiness that comes only after the charade of one's existence has been revealed. I find myself asking the same question, over and over: "Why do I bother with this shit?" There's absolutely no point to it. I have a cool job, an amazing girlfriend, a kick-ass dog—a really good life, in other words. And I'm torturing myself over a stupid football game. Obviously my priorities are messed up. It's high time I cut the bullshit out of my life and focus on what's really important. I'm like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause, only I didn't have to kill and then become Santa Claus to learn the value of paying more attention to my loved ones.

Wanting to cut bullshit out of your life is not the mentality one needs when heading into a new episode of Rock Of Love 2, a program that relies on bullshit like the rest of us rely on the sun. Maybe my heartache over the Packers was to blame for my restlessness during last night's installment. Or maybe it really was a pretty boring episode. As difficult as it is to call a show featuring a surgically mangled French (?) woman licking chocolate mousse off her breasts boring, I think it was the latter.

While wanton sleaze and drunken ho-bags form a solid foundation for any reality show, you also need some old-fashioned character development to build a solid hour of entertainment. And the problem with last night's episode of Rock Of Love 2 is that it failed to further develop the characters it apparently plans to focus on. Ambre emerged as a solid Rock O' Love candidate with some wholesome Chrissy Snow-style sex appeal. And Inna appears to be this season's Heather, only sadder and more desperate and therefore less workable as a villain/dirty girl/likeably crazy bitch. Other than that, I don't feel like I know these ladies any better than I did last week. And if Rock Of Love 2 isn't about getting to know some of our nation's finest young women, what is it about?

Last night's action centered on Bret Michaels Personal Peep Show Booth, where each of the ladies had 30 seconds to "perform" for Bret and his so-real-looking-you-might-think-it's-a-wig-but-it's-not flowing blonde mane. Strangely, most of the ladies took "perform" to mean actual performing. Aubry played drums, Destiney did some karate, Kristy Joe opted, sagely, to iron some clothes, which apparently really turns Bret on. It's a measure of Rock Of Love 2's low collective IQ power that Angelique of all people was the voice of reason, pointing out that peep shows are for stripping and pouring chocolate mousse all over your private parts.

After the peep show Bret decided to have a late-night hangout with the girls. Well, some of the girls at least. His VIPs had the nerve to go to bed early, which really got Bret steamed. So, like all irate boyfriends, he forced the offenders to contend in an old-school dance-off. Two contrived competitions in the same episode? Even for Rock Of Love 2 that's scraping the bottom of the barrel. In the end Bret ended up giving the boot to Sara, Niki, and Korie, three people I never got a chance to know. If I cared about bullshit today, I might feel bad about that.

Grade: C

Stray observations

—If you're not looking for a blackout party girl, Courtney is so not for you.

—I know being able to tie a cherry stem into a knot with your tongue is supposed to be sexy, but I'm not sure anybody wants what the stem is supposed to represent tied into a knot, too.

—How many skanks has Bret Michaels nailed because of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"?

—Courtesy of my girlfriend: It looks like Daisy has a mustache of dirt.

—I'm convinced Motocross is the official sport of douchebags. Am I wrong?