The first step towards recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? So maybe that's why last night's Screen Actors Guild Awards began with some very AA-like admissions of the crippling disease known as acting. Of course, the admissions were not made anonymously, but very publicly, and as annoyingly as possible.
It was downhill from there. Like the interminable Oscars, and the self-important Golden Globes, the SAG Awards is a show so skilled at being awful, it can draw a perfect circle of boredom freehand. There were weird presentation pairings (how many times in your life do you get to hear, "Here's Debra Messing and Zac Efron!"), stilted banter, several "magical history of the Screen Actors Guild" montages (Do you care that SAG has been around for 75 years? Yes? Well then you're a member of SAG.), and a lifetime achievement award presentation that took up at least a half-hour of the two-hour ceremony.
Still, since the WGA strike might mercifully snuff out the Oscars broadcast, the SAG Awards show (which recieved a WGA waiver) is probably your only chance this season to choke on the fumes of awards show pretentiousness. With that in mind, and to give you an idea of what watching the world's gliziest Union-sponsored event was like, here are a few SAG Awards Superlatives:
Best Commendeering Of An Acceptance Speech By An Actor Who Was Once Arrested On Suspicion Of Spousal Battery: Josh Brolin
When the cast of No Country For Old Men won Best Ensemble, Josh Brolin forcifully took over speaking duties for everyone. It was a move that started off "ha-ha funny" but then turned a little "uncomfortable funny," especially if the only thing you can think about when you look at Josh Brolin is that whole he-may-have-hit-Diane-Lane thing.
Most Subtle Hint About A Presenter's Sexuality: Zac Efron Presenting With Grace from Will & Grace
Why else would they pair Efron and Debra Messing? Their eerily similar faces?
Biggest Reason You Don't Invite Mickey Rooney Places: Rooney's Rambling Presentation of Best Performance By An Actress In A Mini-Series
I wish there was video of this–it was kind of like the Simpsons episode where Rooney "jiminy jilickers" his heart out, but less animated. Mickey Rooney (and his medallions) were on stage for at least 15 minutes, rambling about acting, making people cheer for his wife, asking for applause, etc. I'm sure someone had to prevent him from running back on stage in some sad attempt at a curtain call.
Yellowest Dress: Vanessa Williams
Congratulations, Vanessa. You win the eye-burning contest.
Most Tommy-Lee-Jones-esque: Tommy Lee Jones
Seriously. He looks a lot like Tommy Lee Jones here.
Most Ridiculous Looking Lifetime Achievement Award: This statue given to Charles Durning.
What do you get when you're a respected 80-year-old actor? A backrub from Burt Reynolds and a smileyface on a stick.