Things you should stop or start caring about, immediately. Stop Caring About Paparazzi Videos

Basically, just stop going to

TMZ.com, or linking to their videos, or using the word "firecrotch." If you're unfamiliar with TMZ, allow me to explain. A while back, E! had a show called Celebrities Uncensored that was made up of various videos of famous people shot by paparazzi. Sometimes the celebrity would be aware that they were being filmed, like, say, as they were walking into a movie premiere, and sometimes they wouldn't, and it would be, let's say, a creepy night-vision clip of Jennifer Lopez putting on lipliner in the privacy of her own car. Either way, after watching the show it took two showers and three soaks in a tub of lye to feel clean again. Few things are dirtier than watching an eerily silent clip of Nicky Hilton as she adjusts her bra strap, looks up, sees the camera pointed at her from behind a tree, and scampers into the back door of some club on your TV. Unless, of course, you're watching it on the Internet. The plethora of paparazzi "Star Catcher" videos on TMZ.com is the Internet equivilent of herpes: embarassing, gross, and something you never ever want to hear someone talk about. Want to watch a Nicole Richie drunkenly stumble out of a club? Want to see Paris Hilton hit a parked car with her Range Rover while three guys with cameras are saying, 'Did you have fun shopping today?' How about a slowed-down clip of Paris smoking in her car, with a circle drawn around the plumes, and a helpful arrow that says "smoke"? What about one of Jessica Simpson walking and avoiding eye contact with the camera? Ew. Ew. Ew. No, and I don't want to know that you've seen it either. Get away from me. Just typing it makes me feel unclean. Start Caring About Stalkerati

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Stalking isn't bad, just as long as it doesn't involve celebrities, or video cameras, or creepy clips of people getting into/out of their cars. You should stalk locally: just people you know, or people that you at least have a hope of knowing, and on a very basic, Google and Technorati level. But there's no better place to stalk your aquaintances than

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Stalkerati.com, a website that works like a one-stop-shop for Internet friend-stalking. Just type in your friend, or ex-girlfriend, or high school English teacher's name, and it searches for that person across six different sites: MySpace, Friendster, Facebook, Google, Technorati, and Google Image. Basically it's consolidated Internet snooping, and it makes finding out if your old TA still has a girlfriend disturbingly easy.