As the year draws to a close and a weary world takes stock of the past 12 months, let us distract ourselves from the whirling sea of shit we continue to endure with a frivolous list of goofy band names. Because just as the sun rises and sets every day no matter what, creative people will always start bands with questionable names. I took a solemn oath in 2005 to compile them in a continually updated Evernote.

Eleven years in, the standard caveats remain: These aren’t necessarily bands that formed in the past year, but bands I encountered for the first time. Inclusion on the list isn’t a slight against the band’s music, but it’s not an endorsement, either. I generally exclude bands that are pushing a decade or more old, but I make the occasional exception.

Finally, some 2017 names came from commenter recommendations last year, so thank you for those. And now, cue up “Pomp And Circumstance,” for it is time to present the class of 2017.


Animals

Owwwls

Rainbow Kitten Surprise

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  • Its Twitter and Instagram usernames are “RKSBandOfficial.” THERE IS NO HIDING FROM YOUR NAME, DUDES.

Whispers Of The Sparrows
 

“Find an expression and stick with it,” advises Billy Santiago of Whispers Of The Sparrows.

Dying Whale

  • Tracks from this year’s Last Moments Of Misery: “Black Sky Absorbs You In,” “Thorn Sized Wounds,” “The Tear Between Life And Love,” “Dreading My Exclusion.” That whale is a real mope.

Sloth Herder

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  • Genre: “Power-slob.” Band interests: “abandon pop sensibility” (also the name of Sloth Herder’s 2012 EP). Perhaps you best know the band from its 2014 split with Horde Of The Eclipse?

Guilty Giraffe

Penguin Prison
Wolverine Carcass

Rat Columns

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We Were Sharks

  • “Based in Ottawa and collecting members from the far reaches of Eastern Canada, We Were Sharks continue to wield the full-force of Canadian alternative music.” Whoa, the full force?

Those Lavender Whales

Mouse Sucks

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Dum Cheeta

  • Well, what would you call your Def Leppard tribute band?

Pigeons Playing Ping Pong

Free Salamander Exhibit

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Common Deer

  • Not to be confused with the Vermont-based company that showcases “goods from craftsmen and companies that are creating quality products and driving our economy forward from the ground up.” (From the look of their website, the economy will be driven by Vermont-related tchotchkes.) Common Deer the band hails from Toronto and has an exceptionally flowery bio:

Some artists want to shine a light in the darkness. Common Deer come with an arsenal of floodlights. Music is a balm in anxious, isolated times. In the hands of this powerful Toronto quintet, it’s a vessel of uplift, a call for camaraderie, an act of resistance against jaded nihilism.

Necrolytic Goat Converter

  • Bio: “Started as a joke band name crowd-sourced on Facebook, then turned into something else: therapy through music. Thanks for checking out one man working through his personal demons, badly, through the music that he loves.” Way to spoil the fun of saying something snarky, NGC.

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Thumpasaurus

  • The video for “You Are So Pretty” collects a bunch of photos of Jennifer Lawrence and disses Bradley Cooper (Words like “Loser” and “Idiot” float around his photo, with “Bradley Cooper doesn’t wash” in the lower right.)

Beard The Lion
Coma Pony
Dogs In Stereo

Petheaven

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  • Petheaven seems like a particularly treacly name for a pet cemetery, but there are at least two of them. Petheaven the band, a duo from Oakland, has an upcoming album called I Will Choose How I Die. It’s due out December 8, just in time for the holiday shopping season!

Treasure Mammal
Swimming With Bears
Bird Concerns

Flamingosis
Juice Jackal
Movies About Animals
Butterfly Corpse

  • “Sound that will find a home with a wide variety of listeners,” raves something called GoHotShark.com.

Lily On The Horn Horse
Springtime Carnivore
The Cretin’s Cattle

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  • Bio excerpt: “It is utterly impossible to get a grasp of or compare what these age divergent musicians do on the stage and in their recordings.” Sure, you can hear it, but don’t even bother trying to grasp, with your feeble mind, what is happening. IT’S TOO ADVANCED. Or, uh, “Ain’t Nobody Drinking Whiskey” sounds a lot like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.

Bigfoot

Sasquatch Turf War 

Assquatch

Year of the snake

Thorcraft Cobra
Hortlax Cobra

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  • The band presumably takes its name from Hortlax, Sweden, birthplace of sole member John Eriksson (of Peter Björn And John fame). Considering cobras live in hot, tropical areas, and the warmest it gets in Hortlax is about 60 degrees in July, maybe “Hortlax Cobra” is slang for “dead snake.”

Moat Cobra

  • Local bands tend to pad out their bios with inessential information about lineup changes. Behold, the apotheosis: “The band was formed and solidified in the summer of 2013. The original bass player moved out of the country and the band continued as a three piece and started playing shows for a year without a bass player which led to finding their current bass player. After another year the band split from the original drummer and found a replacement which is their current drummer.” Fascinating!

In The Company Of Serpents

  • The Denver doom-metal duo may be the only band on this list that paid for the recording of its demo with “AR-15 Ammunition and beer.” Metal!

References, proper names

Anal Trump

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Dolly Spartans

Pool Cosby
Desmond And The Tutus
Swet Shop Boys
Bear Grillz
Donna Bummer

  • Two bands claim this admittedly obvious-in-retrospect moniker, one from Burlington, Massachusetts, and another from L.A. Both released music in 2015, but the latter pulled off a full-length, and the Mass. guys only did a song. But they their band interests are better: “bathing in the tears of enemies, getting forcibly removed from a local TGI Friday’s, zunes.”

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Hold On, Caulfield
MC Bin Laden

Jackie Chain

Sally Draper

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Meth Leppard

Harvey Pekar

  • The band filmed a video for “God Damn All Gentlemen” at a comic-book store, naturally.

Tonya Harding

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Guns N’ Hoses

  • Best Tribute Band of 2014, according to The Village Voice! The all-lady GNR tribute features members Axl Hose, Gash, Lizzy Straddlin’, Stevie Rattler, and Muff McKegan. Guns N’ Hoses is also the name of a decidedly less sexy 5K run/walk in Chicago and a charity boxing event in St. Louis. How versatile!

Virginia Woof

Sob Dylan

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This album is February. Things are dead n dark. U can’t leave your room. It’s okay to not leave. You gotta know yourself and love on U. Be thankful 4 the good onez and the people passing this way and that. Be honest with yourself and others. Accept the sad and accept the dark accept those who harm you and accept those who love you. there’s no one right way to do anything. I’ll always be your boi bizkit

San Holo
Forest Grump
Palm Springsteen
Grateful Shred
Shred Flintstone
Cuz Lightyear
Clownvis Presley

  • The name says it all: an Elvis impersonator in clown makeup who writes songs like “Barack O’s Tacos” (“Taste the change!”) and the Christmas-themed “Jesus Christ Eatin’ On A Chicken Wing.”

Helen Kelter Skelter
Fat Lizzy

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Mac Sabbath

  • Getting high concept here: a bunch of dudes dressed like McDonald’s characters playing Black Sabbath parody songs about fast food. They call it “drive-thru metal.”

Ghost Of Paul Revere

  • The Boston Globe article quoted at the top of the band’s “about” page manages to cram a whole lot of NOPE in a small amount of space: “Mumford & Sons meet the Avett Brothers with a twist of bluegrass. Old Crow Medicine Show with three-part harmonies. The Band for millennials…”

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Charles Bronson And The Sundance Kid

Tart Vandelay
Stiff Middle Fingers

References, pop culture

Perfect Strangers

Snowball II
All Our Exes Live In Texas

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  • But the band lives in Australia, so it works out.

The Island Of Misfit Toys
Texas Toast Chainsaw Massacre

Gouge Away
Thelma And The Sleaze
Soul Glo

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Bane’s World
Guiding Light

  • Not to be confused with the acoustic quartet from the made-up-sounding town of Toowoomba, Queensland, Australia.

Laces Out

  • (Current follower count: 21)

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Sailor Poon

  • “Eat me out / Buy me shoes / Make me come / And then please leave!”

Lukabrazi

  • A bunch of bands have claimed the Godfather character (spelled Luca Brasi) for their name, so maybe that’s why this NYC group changed the spelling and made it one word. Album title suggestion: Sleepswiththefishes.

Charlie Bit My Finger

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  • No surprise that a band named after a viral video describes itself as “Belgian Party Punk-Rock” and has an album called Third Time’s A Farm.

Deep Throat Choir
Fragile Rock

  • An “emo puppet band” from Austin. Can we agree Austin is no longer in danger of losing its weirdness?

Babewatch
Bokonon

  • The 14th Book of Bokonon is entitled “What Can A Thoughtful Man Hope For Mankind On Earth, Given The Experience Of The Past Million Years?” The only word in the book: “Nothing.” Man, Cat’s Cradle is great. Oh, uh, this band is from L.A.

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Babeo Baggins
SomeKindaWonderful
Oscar Bait

The Spirit Of The Beehive

  • Víctor Erice’s 1973 film The Spirit Of The Beehive is a subtle meditation on the forces that drive us, and as our Noel Murray put it, nudges “adult viewers back to a childlike state, watching in awe, faintly confused and thoroughly beguiled.” The band The Spirit Of The Beehive has an album called Pleasure Suck.

Rat Fancy

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Mayflower Madame 
The Sea The Sea

  • This New York State duo presumably takes its name from Iris Murdoch’s novel, or maybe “The Graveyard By The Sea,” the poem that gave Murdoch’s book its name. Regardless, who’s saying that that MFA was a waste of time now, huh?

Die Die My Darling

Brand names

US Weekly 

  • Expect lots of fawning songs about Ivanka Trump now that American Media has purchased the band.

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Mr Sanka
Honnda
Thigh Master
Count Vaseline
Jerkagram

DJ General Mealz

  • Story: “ITS NOT THAT CEREAL…ITS THAT HOT MIXTAPE MATERIAL!!!!!!” It’s probably not the same guy, but WeddingWire.com also features a DJ General Mealz, who offers a disco ball, sound/PA system, and microphones for $650. Throw down $300 more and you get all of that and a consultation, karaoke, and MC!

First person

I’m Glad It’s You
I’m With Her

  • Don’t expect any tours with Feel The Bern.

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We Ride On
We Were Black Clouds

  • Apparently they had to change their name from Black Clouds, but We Were Black Clouds is way better anyway. Also, they have a (great) song called “Santorum Sunday School.”

I Am The Polish Army
Luckily I’m The Hunter
When We Was Kids
When We Team Up

Someone Who Isn’t Me
We Bless This Mess
We The Heathens

Second person

You’ll Never Get To Heaven
Terribly Yours

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  • Song description: “‘Barbara’ imagines an ABBA demo produced by Brian Eno before it was scrapped due to band conflict. Bjorn was into Brian, but Benny couldn’t deal with the droning synthesizers. ‘Fuck you guys there’s 8 synths playing a C-note through the whole song!’ Ani Fridd couldn’t careless [sic] but loved the track title, ‘Barbara!’”

Are you glad?

Damn Glad

INGREDIENTS: High energy and personality is DG’s formula for putting on a show worth mentioning. The driving guitars, infectious grooves and memorable melodies/harmonies distinguish their sound as a power trio keeping it real.

  • When will other power trios finally learn to keep it real?!

No

Wicca Phase Springs Eternal
Killin H8

It sounds like if a combination of Saul Williams and Gift of Gab made twin babies with a combination of Queen Latifah and Sarah Silverman, and those babies grew up listening to De La Soul (which such babies probably would anyway).

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  • Mostly it sounds like trying way too hard.

Water From Your Eyes

  • Band interests: “america (the band), crying, ghouls”

FlirtClub

  • Make sure to search “FlirtClub band” and not just “Flirtclub,” unless you want a bunch of results linked to “the most exclusive international swingers club couples-only of Italy.” (Among the house rules: No sex in the pool. “However, there are many other convenient locations, clean and intriguing where to do… even around the pool;)” Regarding dress code: “In general, men are always elegant, and woman are sexy and elegant with high heels. What to see major and important details on how to dress to be in tune with the club, in the section dress code.”) Anyway, the band is from Brooklyn.

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Like Innocent Times
Too Close To Touch
Flesh Desperate
Daydream Time Machine

Why use S when Z looks so bitchin’?

The Moonlandingz
Mansionz

Too Many Zooz

This probably would’ve annoyed the shit out of me on the subway, but the song is pretty great.

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Grabbitz

The Banddroidz

Hippie shit

Vinegar Mother
Hippie Sabotage
Old Fashioned Bleeding Hearts

Mellow Harsher

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Corn Potato String Band

Trying very hard

Abhorrent Decimation

  • About: “THERE IS NO BAPTISM, ONLY BURIAL.”

Soaked In Disillusion

  • Bio: “Anxiety ridden.”

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Slaughter To Prevail

Deflowered Cunt

  • You can always count on grindcore bands for cartoonish silliness, as seen on its split with Sedem Minut Strachu: Although its Bandcamp just groups DC’s material into “59 songs,” the titles include “Voices Tell Me I’m The Shit,” “Agent Apple Knows How To Ride A Llama,” “Years Of The Experience And The Fact That I Have No Skin,” “With Veins Like That I’d Have Me A Real Time,” “That Uncle Who Touched You Once When You Were 34,” “Vericose Veins Are On Fleek,” and, naturally, “Of Course I Don’t Have Any Friends.” Note: Bollocks Deep In Forbidden Meat, Deflowered Cunt’s split with Scratch It Until It Bleeds, was limited to nine copies.

Llllloooooonnnnnnnngggggggg

Sabrina Is Not In This Chat

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Gary With A Circle Around The A

  • “The sound can only be described as Car Salesman Proto-Punk” raves (?) Pork.

The Controversial New ‘Skinny Pill’
Randy’s Got A Playdough Face

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The New York Review Of Cocksucking
Little Timmy McFarland Of Flight 19

God is sending His Son to Save Los Angeles Angels of the World from a (Flood) that is coming in AFTER 7-7-2017.

I AM the Prophet of Los Angeles for to save Lifes of the World is Number One. Second is Region. Life is more Important because without Life you don’t have Region.

God and Jesus Christ coming to Save (Us) from the (Water) that will kill Mils of People of Angels of the World in 7-7-2017 at Night for Jesus Father will send His Son to clean the Holes of Beaches of World. Only to last (10) Years only.

Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever
Robot Parts For Broken Hearts

The Good Luck Thrift Store Outfit
Anonymous {And.On.I.Must}
The Seven Fields Of Aphelion
Shrine For The Black Madonna

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  • About: “Celebrating the QUEEN OF TRANSCENDENT BLACKNESS - The Divine Unknowable - BEYOND CONCEPT - SO DAZZLING THAT SHE RADIATES AS DARKNESS.” That doesn’t sound like Madonna.

Full sentences

Who Is She?

  • About: “three gals writing songs about missed connections and Courteney Cox & David Arquette’s undeniable chemistry in the Scream franchise”

This Is Napoleon?

  • Bio: “Punk-pop but not really. Indie rock but that doesn’t quite cut it. Fuck it. We have a trumpet player. That’s cool right?”

She Drew The Gun
Small Leaks Sink Ships
Everything Turned To Color
Something Is Waiting

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  • Bio: “We are allowed to DJ a local psuedo[sic]-Metal club and/or hole in the wall-bar that will let us DJ on an off night if we ‘draw out a few friends’ as long as we do not answer ‘What band’ this is when you come up to us and ask us when said band’s song is blaring and can barely be heard over, before you respond, ‘I thought this sounded familiar.’”

Grass Is Green

It Could Always Be Colder

  • Its 2016 album, bornXtooXsoon, features jams like “I Saw You Standing There And Everything Inside Of Me Wanted To Talk To You But When We Made Eye Contact It Was Like Thunder And I Froze Up ✿ Now I’m Filled With Regret Again,” “Shit’s Been Shit From The Start®,” and “Aw Shit That’s Probably Going To Happen Again.”

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It’s Cool

  • Bio: “three queers sippin seltzer.”

DL Is OK

  • Bio: “DL is OK. It’s a statement about the guy’s disposition - looking for fun on the beaches and barstools of New York, not always finding it, but ultimately doing all right.”

Earth Is A Death Star
They Say The Wind Made Them Crazy

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“Interesting” punctuation, casing, or spelling

LEAV/E/ARTH

  • “With their mixture of clean tones and hard-hitting bridge and chorus lines, LEAV/E/ARTH has a unique contrasting sound that can be enjoyable to those who prefer alternative rock as well as pop.” How many other bands can boast about their hard-hitting bridges?

Co/ntry
Ssleeping DesiresS
The Last Artful, Dodgr
PLS&TY

Nospaces

Aretheyyestheyare

  • About: “sound of bullshit dying.”

Smileswithteeth

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IAmTheCoffin
itoldyouiwouldeatyou

  • Bio: “itoldyouiwouldeatyou is kind of a downer, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like choruses and stuff.” Influences: “Say Anything, Appleseed Cast, Joyce Manor. I don’t know, what do you like? We want to sound like that.”

Whatever the hell these are 

(T-T)b
C57BL/6

  • The C57BL/6 is a popular type of lab mouse—just know which substrain you have! Says the band’s bio: “Unlike most strains, it(mouse) drinks alcoholic beverages voluntarily. It(mouse) is more susceptible than average to morphine addiction, atherosclerosis, and age-related hearing loss.”

Sophiaaaahjkl;8901
M Ax Noi Mach
Alienood420

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  • Those symbols mean “Ohmslice,” and knowing that is worse than not knowing.

Oort Smog
Begat The Nephilim

The New American Bible commentary draws a parallel to the Letter of Jude and the statements set forth in Genesis, suggesting that the Epistle refers implicitly to the paternity of Nephilim as heavenly beings who came to earth and had sexual intercourse with women.

rAHHH

(Adjective) (Plural noun)

Humble Braggers
Crooked Bangs
Eerie Gaits
Miserable Chillers

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Punch Drunk Tagalongs

  • “So this next song is about social media,” says singer-guitarist Alisha Stahnke in the video below. “Have any of you heard of that before?” Someone in the front, stage right, just flips her off.

Someone & The Such And Suches

Terra And The Dactyls
Will And The Won’ts
Hans Gruber And The Die Hards

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Repeat Repeat

Sure Sure
Titanic Titanic
Soviet Soviet
Concrete Concrete
Whatever Whatever

Black Black Black
Shots Fired Shots Fired

FingerFingerrr
Trochee Trochee

  • It looks like the band did an EP called There’s Always Last Year dedicated to the Cubs blowing it in the playoffs this season. At least something came out of that dismal display.

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You see, it’s a play on words

The Institute Of Flyer Learning
Grim Streaker

  • Nothing to say here except “Guts” is super awesome.

Prism Tats
Uke-Hunt

  • Me First And The Gimme Gimmes singer Spike Slawson goes the cover route again, only this time with a ukulele. Suggestion for next shtick: sitar covers under the same Sitarded.

Insignificant Other

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A Will Away
Eye Of The Destroyer

Portmantastic

Satanarchist

Caffiends

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  • Description: “Old school pop punk from Orlando, FL. We like to get drunk and sing songs about girls, weed, and coffee.” To wit:

The Vaticunts 

  • Description: “anarcho feminist alien witch ‘it’s okay to abort that fetus’ blackened (lol jk) punk rock straight outta bham.” Band interests: “Destroying stereo types [sic] concerning Feminazis, calling the police out on their crap, challenging religious institutions, & beating up rapists.” Regarding that first part, check out “Attack Of The ‘Feminazis.’”

Tyrannosorceress

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Nihiloceros

!!!

Machinist!

Roar!

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  • A few bands claim Roar, so this one from New Orleans added an exclamation point and has the URL roartheduo.com.

DieAlps!

Goalie Fight!
Mayya And The Revolutionary Hell Yeah!
Sexual Thunder!

The Lord & his messengers

Jesus Sons
M.A.D.E 4 Christ
Cocaine Jesus

  • Cocaine Jesus” is also a song by 2017 listmate Rainbow Kitten Surprise.

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Bright Christ
Jesus Piece
God Tiny
Ski Mask The Slump God

The Devil & his minions

Demonfuck
Satanic Hispanic
Marching Band Forms Pentagram

A Devil’s Broadcast
Godstopper
Onegodless

In a world full of musicians, home studios, bands and their respective originality, ONEGODLESS decides to bring nothing new. Since everything already has been done, and everything else won’t be worth making, these brave young men decide to do something entirely different: acknowledge their total lack of cutting edge, thriving in genuine unoriginality.

Reeking Cross

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Shit

Shit Present

  • Shit Present’s 2015 EP is pretty great; I recommend “Anxious Type.”

Shitizen

SHITIZEN is like the pied piper raping your ears as you hop on board the short bus. Just a drunk drive away to the gates of hell and you will find Chicagos [sic] newest, rawest, brutal sound.

ShitKid

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Urine

Wet Piss
Cemetery Piss

Cocaine Piss

Pisscat

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Design: Dustin Love

Pissed Regardless

Eww

Moist Ahoy
Moist Clown
Diarrhea Sprinkles

Fuck/ing/ed

Black Fucking Cancer
Seattle Fucking Supersonics

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Fuck U Pay Us

  • Songs: “Burn Ye Old White Patriarchy, Burn,” “Nappy Black Pussy,” “Don’t Touch My Hair.”

Fucked & Bound

  • Pro tip: Add “band” to any Google searches about this group.

Directives

Dump Him
Take A Daytrip
Get Married
Steal, Cheat And Gamble

  • Bio: “Three asbestos ghosts in the halls of an old abandoned drug factory singing the blues.” Song: “I Was Stoned Last Night.”

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Steal Shit Do Drugs
Wear Your Wounds
Kill The Precedent
Yo Chill
Pucker Up
Have A Good Season
Bleach Everything
Fetch The Burn Book
Revel In Romance

  • Winner, Most Nonsensical Bio Lede:

With a blitz of tight, rhythmic instrumentation, wall-of-sound punk allusions, and ethereal, 3-dimensional synths, Revel in Romance, (a 5-piece Alt. Pop Rock Band out of Atlanta, GA.), has achieved a soundscape as in-depth as it is relatable.

Walk Off The Earth

Food & drink

Top Nachos

  • Lyrics to “Sext”: “Why do you keep sending me / Pictures I don’t want to see / Laying right now in the bed / I just want a margarita.”

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Cereal Banter
Nothing For Breakfast
CupcakKe

  • Twitter bio: “GOING TO SUCK 2017 DICKS IN 2017.”

Midnite Snaxxx
Youth On Soda
Nasty Snacks

What’s a Nasty Snack, you ask? It’s Tom Selleck standing under a waterfall with a saxophone, eating a ham sandwich.

Strawberry Fist Cake

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Super Lunch

The Brunch Crowd

Warm Brew
The New Restaurants

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The Band Ice Cream

It’s what’s for dinner

Meatbodies
Meat Spreader
Meatwound

Booze

Basement Beers

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Champagne Superchillin
Stormtroopers Of Beer
Champagne Drip

Drugs

School Drugs
Trunkweed

  • Winner, Most Confusing Interests: “Destroying the parochial criteria of what it means to be a post-y2k g(o)uerilla with shiny toys and hoping to influence others to join in the pseudo beat movement, i.e. drop the bongs, drop babies, and don’t drop bombs (probably not ‘acid’ either)…”

Drug Pizza
A Drug Called Tradition
Marijuana Deathsquads
Bong Mountain
Taking Meds

  • The group’s 2016 album, My Life As A Bro, features “I Only Want To Listen To My Own Band.” (Chorus: “I really prefer silence, man / I only want to listen to my own band.”)

Sex & kink

Illuminati Sex Party
Sex Scheme
Skeet Taste
Pet Sex
Leather Slave
Strap-On Ritual
Joy Of Monogamy
Hookup Culture

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Clothing optional

The Naked Heroes
The Nude Party

Gay stuff

Your Gay Thoughts
Coach, I’m Gay

Anatomy & physiology

Clitorium
Pussy Vision
Anus Kings
The Washboard Abs
Breakfast Muff
Grubby Little Hands
Widest Smiling Faces
Cliterati
Tough Tits

  • Apparently not tough enough—they disbanded this year.

Better Head
Skull Practitioners
Extended Skin Contact
Melanin Free
Period Bomb

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Father of mine

The Freaky Baby Daddies

  • Bio excerpt: “Despite what most people think, the name ‘The Freaky Baby Daddies’ has little to do with its literal meaning and more so with a multi-faceted philosophy and lifestyle. The name describes the band’s relationship with their audience and the exchange of energy that occurs when one performs for a crowd.” Way to overthink that one, guys.

Daddy & Other Daddy

Bastards

The Bastards Of Fate
Bastard Clan

Locations & nationalities

The U.S. Americans
If I Die In Mississippi

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  • Songs from this year’s Halloween Tape: “Hotboxin’ The Church Van,” “Throwing Away All My Boy Underwear,” “Having No Control Over Anything In Life; Becoming A Mess Of Blankets.” Last year’s Artless featured “Goth Kids By The Carousel In The Mall,” “Everyone Is Playing Pokémon Go And I’m All Out Of Data,” and “Ancient Moth Escapes The Drink Machine.”

Alaskalaska

  • Bio: “ALASKALASKA are a 6 piece band that make music to make out to, and then cry about.”

SoCal Tennis Pros

  • Bio: “It’s like when you take a box of spark plugs, and pour in some vinegar and rubbing alcohol, and tie it to your dog and throw that dog in the pool, and then let him run around in your neighbors [sic] house for a while to dry off but instead the neighbors [sic] kids dress him in womens [sic] clothing, and then you have to explain to your parents why you’re out of vinegar. That’s what losing my virginity was like.”

Upstate Rubdown
The Koreatown Oddity
Planet Booty

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New England Axe Factory
Most Badass Asian

Death & the dead

Stages Of Decomposition

  • Track listing for the band’s debut, Piles Of Rotting Fleshavailable in both regular CD and Digipack!
    1. Genital Adipocere
    2. Cadaveric Molestation
    3. Chainsaw Disemboweled Cadaver
    4. Acid Bath Orgy
    5. Piles Of Rotting Flesh
    6. Devoured And Defecated By Swine
    7. The Butcher Of Plainsfield
    8. The Burning
    9. Schizophrenic Nympho

Chained To The Dead

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The Dead Deads
Death Hymn Number 9
Die High
Casket Huffer
October Bird Of Death
Coordinated Suicides
Melting Death Vapors

G-g-g-g-hosts

Spooky Mansion
Spirit In The Room
Adios Ghost 
Ghost Piss

  • Check out “Nancy, Oh Nancy,” an ode to Stranger Things’ Nancy Wheeler.

Schooling & education

Butthole University

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Art School Jocks
Spelling Reform

The ’burbs

Suburban Living
Republican Hair
Mall Prowler

Average Joes & Janes

Phil From Accounting

Brandon Can’t Dance
Date Night With Brian
Gladys The Gardener
Leroy From The North

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  • About: “Sounds like a velour track suit with a cowboy hat.”

Blue Lives Matter

Copstabber

  • Songs from 2016's Pulled Pork: “Fuck School, Stay In Drugs” (“I never use math in my real life / But I use cocaine almost every night!”), “I Love Being A Scumbag.”

Anybody But The Cops

Criminals & crimes

Fragile Gang
JPEGMAFIA

  • Songs: “Hop Out The Pussy I’m 21,” “I Might Vote 4 Donald Trump,” “Let’s Hit A Lick On The White House.”

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World’s Scariest Police Chases
Tickle Torture

#resist

Occupy The Disco
Crowd The Airwaves
This Saxophone Kills Fascists

Witches

All Them Witches
Witch Slap

  • From “Cat Call Killer”: “Cat Call Killer / Don’t tell me to smile / Cat Call Killer / You’re so fucking vile / Cat Call Killer / I just want the deli / Cat Call Killer / Why can’t you just let me be?

Witch Vomit

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Apparel

A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie
Bent Denim

Wet Wallet

Afire

How It Got Burned

  • Maybe its music attempts to answer this Nic Cage question?

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Burned Or Buried
Fire In The Radio
Liquid Solid Fire

Rhymes

Cool Schmool

  • Based in Atlanta, but started in Portland, so what are the odds the name comes from the Bratmobile song? Maybe 80-20 or 90-10?

Triple Cripple

  • Songs from last year’s Nursing Home For Retired Hookers: “Wheelchair Swingers [sic] Party,” “Deflowered By Ron Jeremy,” “Jackhammer Colonoscopy,” “Bin Laden Is Dead.”

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Bashful Slasher
Beech Creeps

Plant life

Dear Lemon Trees

  • Cross reference with subsection “No.”

Tomorrow’s Tulips

  • See above.

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Really Big Pinecone

Work life

Desperate Journalist
Headless Dentist
Skinny Cooks
Office Culture
Souvenir Driver

Sport

Psychic Jiu Jitsu
Sports Boyfriend
Fuhgawee Hunting Club

Children

Chin Up, Kid
Teenage Slang Session
Video Daughters
Kid In The Attic

Foreign language

Adiós Mundo Cruel
Avec Sans
Yo No Say

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Misc.

Mirrors For Psychic Warfare
Prissy Whip

  • This band isn’t having Facebook’s shit, or at least not all of it:

Punker In The Headlights
TubaFresh
Sun Abduction

  • Genre: “Desert Sex Rock”

The Worst Humans
VHS Collection
Super Natural Psycho
The Loud Soft Loud

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  • Bio: “The Loud Soft Loud is a rock group originally from the places Wisconsin and Minnesota. The Loud Soft Loud offers more than 12 one-of-a-kind songs including: traditional rock songs with a lead guitar solo and/or a bridge, sorrowful heartache songs, harder rock songs with screams, and hopeful songs with a keyboard instrument.” A solo and/or a bridge? And hopeful keyboard songs?! Sold!

Staying For The Weekend
Harriers Of Discord

  • The cover for …And They Did Live has a lot going on.

Inspired And The Sleep
Rad Horror

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Proto Idiot
Kicked Off The Streets
Plaid Dracula

Honestly Probably
Crayondroids

  • Songs from 2014’s Destroy All Humans: “We’re Taking You Bitches Hostage,” “I Fuckin Know Kung Fu.”

Fat History Month

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  • Fucking Despair, from 2011, features a song called “You Can Pick Your Nose, You Can Pick Your Friends [sic] Nose, But You Can’t Escape Your Horrible Family.” Here’s the cover:

Correction: An earlier version of this identified the C57BL/6 as a rat, when it’s a mouse. We regret the error. Still, good luck getting promoters to spell that one correctly.