Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Dominos Invites You To Feed Your Depression

Did you know that people with mild depression often crave carbohydrates? Something tells me Dominos does. How else can you explain their new, horrific menu dare, Bread Bowl Pasta?

Illustration for article titled Dominos Invites You To Feed Your Depression

Look: It's an edible shame spiral! All the bread an average person would eat in two weeks, covered with cheese, baked, filled with pasta, drowned in Alfredo sauce, covered with cheese again, and then re-baked to form an oozing, bubbling, leaden sponge to soak up all of your tears. Feel better now? Well, it won't last long: better eat two.

Next, Dominos should use their leftover pizza dough and cheese to create Pizza N' Cheese Funnels: shape the dough into a a foot-high bread cone, fill it with melted cheese, dice an entire stuffed-crust Meat Lovers' Pizza and toss it in, top with bread crumbs and more cheese. Bake until shiny. Serve in a tall sturdy cardboard box stamped "Dominos Carb Therapy." 


But don't worry, even though they're selling a pizza topped with cheesey pasta, Dominos knows when to rein it in:

3 Cheese Mac-N-Cheese

A flavorful mixture of two Cheddar blends and mozzarella cheese tossed with penne pasta and baked to a creamy perfection.

See? It's only two Cheddar blends and mozzarella. They could have added some Monterey Jack and Parmesan to make it an even 5 Cheese Mac-N-Cheese served in a massive pizza-dough bowl, but, really, that would have been overkill.

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