Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Evidence Of A Slow Tabloid News Cycle

While the world awaits the birth of the most significant twin deities in history since Romulus and Remus—Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are currently searching for a suitable she-wolf to suckle them should the need arise, and also because it would make a really cool, meaningful tattoo—tabloids are scrambling for babies, any babies, to put on their covers. The offspring of forgotten Full House sister, and current Pants-Off Dance-Off host, Jodie Sweetin? People will happily take it. The latest chapter in the tired, twist-free tale of eternal infant Jessica Simpson? Us Weekly has it covered.

But this week's issue of everyone's favorite shouty-titled tabloid, OK! has scooped all of its competitors with an Earth-shattering exclusive look into the private thoughts, secret hopes, and dark issues (i.e., potty training) of a 2-year-old child.

Illustration for article titled Evidence Of A Slow Tabloid News Cycle

Nice try, OK!. But all the screaming yellow headlines in the world can't make a toddler—even a celebritoddler—interesting. Also, you should have dug a bit deeper for this story. Here are a few things not included in your list of Shiloh's preparations for her baby sisters' arrival:


—Staying within the normal range in terms of weight and height for babies her age.

—Putting whatever's in her reach—blocks, grass, paper—in her mouth

—Rubbing her eyes when she's tired

—Staring off into space

—Still adamantly refusing to accept Pax as her brother (She just can't be swayed.)

—Eating old animal crackers she finds under the couch.

—Inhaling and exhaling

—Constantly whining for more chocolate pudding.

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