The 30-minute clip above comes from the wildly popular ASMR Darling YouTube channel, and its noble purpose extends well beyond telling you you’re not going to die. Instead, the immersive video takes the form of a doctor’s visit, with the masked-up whisperer checking your vitals and administering a test for strep throat before determining that, yep, you definitely have coronavirus. The mask’s rustle, the rip of velcro, and the repeated washing of hands accompany the narrator’s voice she runs through a list of debunked coronavirus myths—no, covering your body in alcohol or chlorine will not kill a disease that lives inside you—and, in a sobering twist, tells you you’ll need to be “flown out to quarantine.”

If that’s a touch too real right now, maybe you’ll enjoy one of the other handful of ASMR coronavirus videos online. Some simply seek to debunk more myths in hushed, fuzzy tones, while others offer hope by injecting you with a (fictional) vaccine.

The best, however, involves a turtle eating a “coronavirus watermelon.”

Save us, turtles.

[via Boing Boing]

Send Great Job, Internet tips to