From my inbox:
WHO SAYS COOLNESS CAN'T BE TAUGHT?
'CHERRY BOMB: THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO BECOMING A BETTER FLIRT, A TOUGHER CHICK, AND A HOTTER GIRLFRIEND, AND TO LIVING LIFE LIKE A ROCK STAR' DUE IN-STORES AUGUST 5, 2008
Ok, I'll bite, press release. Who does say that coolness can't be taught? Do people go around saying that all the time? Why are you so intent on proving those non-existent people wrong?
In the case of this book, however, the rhetorical question that no one should think twice about should be: "Who says coolness can't be taught by a book called Cherry Bomb?" The answer to that question, incidentally, is: Me. I say coolness can't be taught by a book called Cherry Bomb. I don't think anything—except maybe creative firecracker usage and/or recipes for varied bombastic-sounding cherry-based desserts—can be taught by a book called Cherry Bomb. Unfortunately, though, it seems like this book isn't interested in teaching those things.
CHERRY BOMB is an A-to-Z reference for everything awesome a girl needs to know, including the obvious (style, beauty, dating, and sex tips) and the not-so-obvious (how to prepare absinthe, how to sneak backstage, how to hit on a celebrity).
I don't need to read the book to find out those things: How to hit on a celebrity (Say hi.), how to sneak backstage (Get the celebrity to take you.), how to prepare absinthe (Don't). See? Am I living life like a rock star yet?
Unlike other lifestyle or advice books of its kind, CHERRY BOMB is a girl guide with a rock and roll twist…Contributors include:
Tori Amos (Life Advice), Dancing with the Stars' Cheryl Burke (Dancing Tips), Samantha Maloney of PEACHES (Drum Lesson), Katy Perry (Vintage Shopping), Lisa Loeb (How To Be a Great Hostess), American Idol makeup artist Mezhgan (Beauty), Kat Von D (Tattoos), Imogen Heap (Individuality), Pink Cheeks' Cynthia Esser-Thorin (Waxing Tips)
Let me guess, is Imogen Heap's advice on Individuality something like, "Just be yourself"? What other advice on individuality could there be? I guess I do have to get the book.
Still, reading about this book filled me with a deep and thorough rage–not because the idea behind it is so deeply, thoroughly annoying, but because I thought of this idea first. For the past few months, I've been working on a "girl guide" of my own: Electric Daisy Chain Nightmare: A Guide To Achieving Total Tough Chick-osity, Also Blah Blah Blah Rock Star. So now, since I've been scooped, here's a sample from the first chapter of my never-to-be-published "girl guide."
How To Be A Totally Bad-Ass Rocker Chick Individual:
1. First things first: nail polish. Grrrls who are their own persons wear either blue nail polish, black nail polish, or ironic French manicures. Pick one of these three and express yourself! Remember: don't be afraid to be you—as long as you are a person who conforms to the rigid rules of conduct regarding Rocker Chick Individuals as outlined in this book.
2. Eye make-up. Your eye makeup should consist of one thing: Eyeliner. More specifically: heavy black eyeliner that surrounds your eye like the encroaching Black Death on those maps of Europe during the plague. You know who wore a lot of eyeliner? Cleopatra. You know who else? Nancy Spungen of Sid & Nancy. And Cleopatra and Nancy Spungen were two of the most rockingest rocker chicks to ever live (before they died violently). Coincidence? I don't think so.
3. Wear many, many bangle bracelets. Go to Forever 21 or Wet Seal, buy all the bracelets you can find, and layer them on your wrists until you've essentially created a cast out of bracelets and you can't bend your wrists anymore. Trust me: rocker chicks can never have too many bracelets. You'll look like She-Ra with her arm armor but so much more punk rock because you're not a cartoon, and also you bought this book.
4. Wear hot pink. Pink is a delicate, feminine color that whispers, "I am a pretty, pretty princess who sleeps on a lillipad and/or joins sororities." That is the opposite of what a Bad-Ass Rocker Chick Individual should be, which is why you should invest in some hot pink clothes. Hot Pink screams, "I am subverting your idea of femininity in a painfully obvious way, bitches! Deal with it!" Woo.
5. Watch Clarissa Explains It All and do everything that she does. Clarissa is the original individual. Seriously. She hot-glued cool old buttons and pieces of vintage fabric all over her phone. You should totally do that, too. Nothing says, "I am a tough chick and an individual," like emulating a crafting project from an old Nickelodeon show.
6. Date the bassist. Most girls go for the frontman or the guitarist–which is soooo predictable. If you're going to hook up with someone in a band–and FYI to be a rocker chick you have to hook up with someone in a band, sorry–don't make it the obvious choice. Cool chicas hook up with the bassist–just look at Ashlee Simpson–or the drummer, or the didjeridoo soloist, or that guy onstage holding what appears to be a windchime. Go for the unexpected in your choice of boyfriend-in-a-band. What would Bijou Philips do?
7. Get your own cooking show with one of Frank Zappa's sons. Lisa Loeb did it. Are you going to tell me Lisa Loeb isn't a total rock star individual? She wears glasses. Hello??
8. Take up an "alternative" hobby. Tough chicks like impractical, retro-y pastimes like Roller Derby, Absinthe-brewing, and Burlesque. Etching, Calligraphy, using the Dewey Decimal system at home, Crinolline weaving, alternately hating then loving Diablo Cody, and fire-dancing are also acceptable.
9. Use the word bitch. A lot. It's yours to reclaim, bitch. You want to be an individual, right?
10. Buy my book about How To Become A Totally Bad-Ass Rocker Chick Individual and never ever stop reading it. Bitch.