Turns out Toys R Us kids had a good reason not to grow up, as a blend of big box proliferation and e-commerce would render the sky-high racks of tangible magic they knew as children unsustainable. Having declared bankruptcy six months ago, and with as much as $8 billion in debt, the toy chain will close the entirety of its 800-plus U.S.-based stores. In our report, we pondered as to the fate of mascot Geoffrey The Giraffe, who we worried would be remanded to the custody of the state and placed in a zoo. Turns out we were half correct.
Geoffrey swung by Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, his breath reeking of schnapps, to lambast the millions watching at home for taking away his toys. Wobbly, with venom in his voice, he blames his bad fortune on “all of you bitches [buying] toys on Amazon.” Hey, you can’t feel too bad for Geoff, though; do you think Toys R Us cared when it drove all those local mom and pop toy shops out of business, leaving who knows how many hand-forged wooden horsies to rot in some landfill?
Capitalism evolves. Someday, Kimmel’s progeny will be hosting a ragged, wine-drunk Jeff Bezos as our nation’s youth mourns the magic that was browsing the latest Amazon deals.
We leave you, and Geoffrey, with this minor key take on the brand’s theme song, in which the weight of age and memory utterly crashes whatever innocence once resided in its now-tragic lyrics.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to email@example.com