Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

God's will! The Lands Of Disney lie abandoned and undefended!

Illustration for article titled God's will! The Lands Of Disney lie abandoned and undefended!
Screenshot: TheDailyWoo (YouTube)

Hark! Mickey Mouse has fled his kingdom with all his attendants! The Lands Of Disney, the very Kingdom Of Magic, now lay undefended! The time has finally come for the people of this country to reclaim their rightful bounty of watery fountain drinks, branded merchandise, and mascot costumes. The dread king Mouse may never be so weakened again in our lifetime. We strike now!


Quick, close the tavern door and make room. The scouts from, ahem, TheDailyWoo have just returned with a report of what they’ve seen from within the Kingdom’s gates.

The walls go unmanned! The castle grounds of Walt Disney World are cleared of soldiery and peasantry alike. Yea, even the Starbucks and Planet Hollywood, the Shrines to Coca-Cola and Guy De Chicken have been abandoned by both clergy and worshiper. The surrounding roads have been emptied of carriages and the galleons have fled the lagoon, leaving the castle undefended from ground and water! Lords and ladies do not recline in the hotel lobbies. They’ve decamped for other lands, leaving their riches behind for anyone with will enough to take them.

Do not use this moment to continue your devotionals to our straw lord as others have done. Now, as the Great Plague shadows the Rodent’s dominion, we must turn misery into opportunity. Does the Bible not say that “poor is he who works with a negligent hand, but the hand of the diligent makes rich?” This is the time for diligence, friends! This is the time when courage may remake the world!

Fight bravely, brothers and sisters, and our rewards will be countless! Beneath the throne room, it’s rumored the Mouse keeps old Simpsons episodes locked away within his enormous vaults of treasure. In the dungeons lie shuttered film studios, wailing alongside the restless shades of those the Kingdom has claimed over the centuries. All of this we can free—all of this we can make right!—if only we have strength enough to act now!

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.