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Guy who owns sex shop next to Four Seasons Total Landscaping describes Giuliani's conference

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Several days have passed but in our minds we are still living in the moment when we learned that Rudy Giuliani and the Trump team’s other top legal minds held a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. The series of fuck-ups that led to a decrepit pervert bellowing discredited nonsense about “voter fraud” while standing in front of the concrete walls and barred industrial windows of a landscaping company is so stunning that our minds can’t let go of it.

Fortunately, the absurdity of the conference keeps providing fresh material, including a Slate interview with Bernie D’Angelo, owner of Fantasy Island, the sex shop/adult bookstore conveniently located on one side of the Trump team’s legal Alamo. (On the other side, of course, there’s a crematorium.)


D’Angelo says he was surprised when the event kicked off. “I couldn’t understand why they would bring something of this caliber to our location,” he says, “We were kind of laughing at first because we knew there had to be a screw-up somehow, because why would you pick a spot like this?”


Though the path that brought Giuliani to the landscaping parking lot apparently involved a more complicated brand of oatmeal-brained decision-making than was initially thought, D’Angelo believed at first, like we all did, that the situation was the result of something as simple as everyone showing up at the wrong Four Seasons.


Aside from the customers stuck in the store because they didn’t want to be seen leaving Fantasy Island, the conference didn’t disrupt D’Angelo’s business. It actually helped generate interest, though he wished he had time to prepare and take better advantage of it (like others are doing). “You know, capitalism is what capitalism is. It’s about making a buck,” D’Angelo says. “And I know the landscaping company, I think they made a shirt. If I knew this was coming, like I said, I would have invested in making shirts.”

As for what he thinks of the whole situation, D’Angelo mentions Trump’s presidency starting out with him “playing around with Stormy Daniels.” The “next thing you know, one of his final hurrahs is going to be down the street from an adult bookstore that’s been there for 40 years,” D’Angelo says. “You can’t write this stuff. Basically, I was pretty much in awe of the funniness of the whole situation.”


Now we’re left wondering what the crematorium’s owner thought of the commotion, and how unusual it was to see a political corpse smolder outside their business instead of the regular kinds dealt with inside. Hopefully we’ll hear from them soon.

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