In this world where everything is either about superheroes or some cheap and lazy “we can film this over Zoom!” bullshit, it’s nice when an idea comes along that is just goddamn great. We’re talking about ideas that prove there is an art to entertaining people, that not all media needs to be the sort of disposable trash you put on in the background while you do something else. This story isn’t about one of those idea, but damn, it sure is nice when that sort of thing comes along.
Anyway, Deadline says that Meat Loaf has teamed up with production company Nobody’s Hero—best known for Netflix’s Nailed It!—to create a “relationship competition series” called I’d Do Anything For Love… But I Won’t Do That (yes, like the song) where couples compete in “a variety of comedic physical games” that test how much they actually trust each other. It’ll all be set to “a soundtrack of classic hits,” with Meat Loaf executive producing and serving as an “ethereal figure behind the madness” (we’re picturing the Banker from Deal Or No Deal, but he’s wearing one of those frilly poet shirts, he’s absolutely worthless without Jim Steinman holding him up, and he’s close with that bad family we don’t talk about here anymore).
In a statement, Nobody’s Hero’s Christopher Potts and Jonty Nash said that their goal is “to create shows that are funny, clever, and buzzworthy, but two out of three ain’t bad,” with Meat Loaf adding, “You took the words right out of my mouth.” Credit where credit’s due: That’s pretty funny. But why stop at “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)“ when Meat Loaf has a decades-long career of ballads that could be turned into TV shows? This is The A.V. Club, so obviously we’re just going to riff on that now.
Bat Out Of Hell: This could be an American Ninja Warrior-style obstacle course thing, with contestants trying to escape from the Devil and be reunited with their beloved. Maybe they could do the course on motorcycles, but I’d Do Anything For Love is really just riffing on the title, not the content of the song, so it seems like cheating to bring in motorcycles or tunnels where the deadly are rising or a young boy who is starting to “foam in the heat.” (Also, what does any of that mean?)
Paradise By The Dashboard Light: This could be another dating show, maybe with a hidden camera conceit so the contestants don’t know they’re on a TV show, and they’re stuck in a car until they agree to either break up and get married. There could be some legally binding element where they’re contractually obligated to stay together for eternity if that’s what they pick. Every episode can have armed goons who check up on previous contestants to see if they’re still in love, and if not they get sent to Phil Rizzuto’s Pressure Cooker where they have to try and survive the terrifying Suicide Squeeze. (Again, though, these are the lyrics to the song.)
Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad: A quiz show, obviously, where contestants have to answer three trivia questions. If they get none, one, or three right, nothing happens. If they get two right, Meat Loaf (who will be hosting this one) says “two out of three ain’t bad” with a little shrug. There are no winners or prizes.
Rock And Roll Dreams Come Through: This could be some kind of singing competition show, but that’s a little on-the-nose. Maybe it’ll be a drama series about a teen runaway (Angelina Jolie) who is shepherded through a dark and gritty world by some kind of magic jukebox man while saving people’s lives with rock music. Then, in the end, even though she’s now learned about the fantastical life-changing power of rock ballads, she goes back to live with her mean parents. Actually, that’s just the plot of the music video.