Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Polite reminder to the recently vaccinated: you still cannot feed Hot Cheetos to monkeys at the zoo

A monkey
A monkey
Photo: Ger Bosma (iStock by Getty Images)

Well, hey there, stranger! So glad to see you! How did the second vaccine dose go? That one can be a real doozy, but we’re sure you probably already heard that a million times over by now. Sorry! We’re just so happy to be able to spend time in the outside world again. It’s been a bit of an adjustment, that’s for sure. Last week, we had this totally awkward interaction with the barista at Starbucks when we completely blanked on what a “Venti” was! Anywho, we’re sure you’ll bounce back and be brunching with the best of them in no time...

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Whoa.

Okay, wait... now you just might want to hold on a second there. Look, we don’t mean to be rude or overstep our bounds here, but... we’re not sure if you remember, but you’re definitely not allowed to hop the zoo’s spider monkey enclosure fence, splash barefoot through their urine- and feces-soaked wading pool, and then feed the wild primates Flamin’ Hot Cheetos by hand. In fact, we’re pretty sure that was a widely known, hard and fast rule way before COVID-19 showed up.

“Stupid and lucky” is what comes to mind. Those aren’t our words, though. That’s the El Paso Zoo’s director’s exact phrasing after seeing the footage. And apart from getting ripped apart by a gang of 20-pound monkeys, other zookeepers noted that the woman could easily have transmitted COVID-19 to the animals. “Anything that we have they could get as well, so COVID is no different. We took the necessary steps to prevent them from getting that, so for someone to just go in there and give them food from their hands could just ruin that,” zookeeper Mason Kleist told a local news outlet.

So yeah, probably good to remember that going forward. Also, in case you forgot, here’s a short list of some other things you still can’t do in public, just in case you forgot these, too:

  • Leave a store without paying for goods and services
  • Light car tires on fire in a public park
  • Kick a stranger in the shins
  • Drive your car down an airport runway
  • Steal someone’s baby

Readjusting to the public sphere is quite the process. Please feel free to let us know if you have any other questions about how to be a responsible, competent human being again.

[via BoingBoing]

Send Great Job, Internet obvious no’s to gji@theonion.com

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).