So far, the fallout from the Sony hack has resulted in revelations of the studio’s ruinous, runaway spending on tigers (yet surprisingly cost-conscious pills-and-coke budget), hints of a deep self-loathing for its years of enabling of Adam Sandler, and yet more strained relations with North Korea. But as great as all of these things have been for a laugh, now the group that has dubbed itself the “Guardians of Peace” has crossed a line that can never be uncrossed: unearthing scores of preferred aliases of Hollywood celebrities, and completely upending their abilities to check into hotels and—judging by some of their code names—rap on the side.
The list was uncovered by Fusion’s Kevin Roose (alias Kevin Ruse), who happened upon a folder containing various “publicity bibles” full of detailed cast and crew contact information. In many cases, these included the fake names stars assume in order to protect their identities from fans beating down their door to bother them. Or, in some cases, to get someone to notice Rob Schneider.
A partial list, with their likely explanations:
Tom Hanks: “Harry Lauder” or “Johnny Madrid.” Respectively, a famous Scottish vaudevillian and a character from the 1960s Western series, Lancer. (Chet Haze/Johnny Madrid mixtape dropping 2015.)
Sarah Michelle Gellar: “Neely O’Hara.” A reference to the awful, demanding, pill-addicted actress in Valley Of The Dolls, and a suggestion that Sarah Michelle Gellar is pretty fun.
Daniel Craig: “Olwen Williams.” An homage to Craig’s grandfather, Olwyn Williams. COOL ALIAS, JAMES BOND.
Taye Diggs: “Scott Diggs.” Diggs’ real name, which absolutely fools everyone into thinking Taye Diggs is just a boring, Scott sort of dude. Nobody looks twice at a Scott.
Natalie Portman: “Laura Brown.” An unimaginative, Natalie Portman sort of alias. Soon to be replaced with “Not-alie Portman.”
Tobey Maguire: “Neil Deep.” Presumably, Maguire’s nom de card shark. Probably has an incredible backstory involving teenage hustling and unspeakable things done for self-preservation that Maguire pictures in streaked, Michael Mann-evoking neon whenever he closes his eyes. May involve a wig. (Definitely involves a wig.)
Clive Owen: “Robert Fenton.” Either a reference to his wife, Sarah-Jane Fenton, or homage to the New Zealand politician who railed against political interference in rugby matches. Also a tacit acknowledgement that no name will ever sound as fake as “Clive.”
Rob Schneider: “Nazzo Good.” Agreed.
Jude Law: “Mr. Perry.” “Oh, ’ello, I’m Jude Law! But please, refer to me as as though I am a Jane Austen character: Mr. Perry, an apothecary of some regard in Highbury. After all, I’m from England!”
Jessica Alba: “Cash Money.” A conflation of her husband’s already-fake-sounding name, Cash Warren, and the fact that she gives him money.
Ice Cube: “O’Shea Jackson” and “Darius Stone.” Respectively, a conflation of Cube’s real names, Oliver Shea, and his alias from XXX: State Of The Union, which Cube keeps on the registrar in case the president needs to contact him for any more secret missions that he is absolutely ready for, just give him a chance.
Debra Messing: “Ava Harper.” Who cares.
The leak means that numerous celebrities and Rob Schneider are now being forced to pick new names in order to go deep undercover. (Neil Deep.) Or, in the tried and true method of so many who have had their passwords stolen, they are simply adding a “1” after them.