This afternoon, because I said I would, I saw the horrific thing that I have been training for all week: 8000 Pensive Stares, aka The Last Kiss. The movie more or less began with a look like this.

8000 feeling faces later, it was over. Credits rolling down a screen have never been so beautiful. And now for some superlatives:


Most Overused Word In The Movie: Love. I tried to count how many times it was said, but I lost track. If, for some reason, you are forced to see this movie, you should bet a large sum of money that "I love you" and "I don't love you" are said at least 17 times. You will not lose. Most Annoying Line: "I would wear the hottest dress to your funeral." There were so many contenders for this one, but I think Rachel Bilson's response to Braff saying he could be dead in a year wins. Most Satisfying Scene: The one when Jacinda Barrett repeatedly slaps Braff. Actually there are two scenes where she hits him. If there had been maybe 5 more, the movie would have moved a lot quicker. Line That Braff Most Obviously "Tweaked": In response to his girlfriend asking "What are you thinking about?" Braff responds: "I was just thinking how weird it is that I'm considered cool and intelligent for driving a $20,000 hybrid car…and how lucky I am that you love me." That's actually the first thing he says in the movie, and it was all downhill from there. Anyway, it's over. I did it! And despite the fact that this is the worst movie I've seen in a long time (and I saw Material Girls), I'm still alive–a fact that proves at least one thing: massive amounts of schlock and adult angst can wound, but not kill.