Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

This Week In Terrifying Hybrids

This Week In Terrifying Hybrids

1. Life philosophy based on archery accoutrements + lack of birth control + the strongest uterus in the world + an apparently endless supply of "j" names = The Duggar Family

Oh, you're pregnant again? Considering that you've already had 17 kids and that your adult life has essentially been one long pregnancy, it would be more newsworthy if you weren't pregnant, Mrs. Duggar. Where is the Today Show segment about that? Mother Of 18's Uterus Finally Empty.

I'm surprised one of the kids didn't start sobbing uncontrollably when they announced their latest pregnancy.

In case you're unfamiliar with the Duggars and their horrific Discovery Health Channel Show, they're a family made up of two thoroughly spacey and marginally evil parents, 17 essentially interchangeable children, more garbage than a small city, and they're basically the cause of global warming. That last part isn't exactly true, but if they ever discover a hole in the Ozone layer directly above Arkansas, it's probably because the Duggars were constantly running their washer/dryer for 35 years in order to have clean laundry for the 18 kids on their compound.

Every news story about the Duggars focuses on zany math of their family: 100 bananas a week! 200 loads of laundry a month! 9000 diapers a year! 1,000,000 loving glances from the kids unreturned by their incredibly distracted parents! But the giant, empty-eyed elephant in the room is insanity: no one mentions how totally insane you would have to be to think that having 18 kids is a good idea (though they sometimes mention how totally religious you'd have to be—the Duggars are part of the Quiverfull movement). The first question that anyone asks the Duggars should always be: So when did you first realize you were crazy?

Another issue that is constantly overlooked in the coverage of the Duggars: they name all their kids "J" names, but why would they make up a name like "Jinger" (the name of their 14-year-old) before finally getting around to an obvious name like "Jennifer" (the name of their current youngest)? Weird.

2. The Kardashians + political awareness + dressing rooms = The most tonally weird PSA about Burma

Where is the FunnyOrDie logo? This is a joke, right?

When you're talking about raising money to stop government-sponsored rape, you should probably use a different inflection than when you're pronouncing a Herve Leger dress, "Sexy." Unless, of course, you're kidding. But the Kardashians say they're totally NOT kidding, so unless this is a parody of something (of life, maybe? That's what Keeping Up With The Kardashians is, right?) then this is probably a pretty ineffective PSA.

3. Meat Loaf + AT&T; + Tiffany + the uncontrollable urge to put your fingers in your ears and never take them out = Go Phone Commercial.

A cell phone commercial is actually a pretty appropriate avenue for a Meat Loaf song: the showiness of Meat Loaf really meshes well with the relentlessly annoying aspects of all cell phone advertising. It's a seamlessly irritating combination that is really hammered into your temporal lobe, due in no small part to the fact that this commercial airs at least 100 times a day. "Let me sleep on iiit!" is now constantly ringing in my ears, and I can't stop buying Go Phones just to throw them at my television. So kudos, AT&T;.

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