Next to hilarious mug shots, embarrassing concert riders are pretty much The Smoking Gun’s bread and butter, and it certainly landed itself a doozy with Katy Perry’s incredibly specific list of demands. Over some 45 pages, Perry’s management team spells out the various conditions that must be met in order for the singer to feel properly prepared to lockstep through another rendition of “California Gurls,” such as a dressing room that absolutely must be colored cream or “soft pink,” cream-colored egg chairs (God help you if they’re ivory!) with matching footstool, two “French ornate style” floor lamps, a “Perspex modern style” coffee table for some reason, and a refrigerator that absolutely must have a glass door, so that Katy Perry can see her bottles of Fuze Slenderize in assorted flavors cooling from across the room while she’s examining her “jar of quality honey” to make sure it’s “quality” enough.
In addition, Perry requires an arrangement of fresh flowers, preferably white and purple hydrangeas, pink and white roses, and peonies. Failing that, she will grudgingly accept seasonal white flowers with orchids, but “ABSOLUTELY NO CARNATIONS,” which is underlined to stress how serious it is. How Perry could be expected to slip into her cupcake bra and sing for a sold-out audience knowing that there are cheap fucking carnations in her dressing room is beyond all rational comprehension, and at the first sight of a carnation, you can surely expect a swift cancellation.
Of course, one can probably point to all of this as the old Van Halen “No brown M&Ms” trick of ensuring that every other requirement has been carried out to exacting detail, allowing Perry to feel secure that the more important things have been taken care of, such as making sure the volume of the band’s amps doesn’t interfere with the backing track. If you're feeling empathetic, you could also probably make allowances for Perry’s 23-point “principle driver policy,” which forbids her chauffeur from doing things such as attempting to start a conversation with her, asking for an autograph or picture, or staring at her. After all, she gets enough of that on the streets; her limo should provide a rare oasis between Perry’s creamsicle dressing room and the also-mandatory presidential suite with complimentary breakfast.
But the one part likely to raise some eyebrows (though not in Katy Perry’s direction; didn’t you read the principle driver policy?) is that Perry and her management team also ask that each venue set aside a block of tickets for them to sell through “secondary market” agencies or “re-sellers.” Otherwise known as “scalpers.” The provision specifically names StubHub as one of those agencies, suggesting Perry does what many people recently accused LCD Soundsystem of doing when they sold out Madison Square Garden—withholds her own tickets, then sells them to fans at higher prices. We wouldn’t be surprised if this revelation spurs someone to have a word with Perry—but not while you’re driving! Jeez! Read it again!