Hello, reader. We want to play a game.
Within the following link you will find a GQ Style cover story by Molly Lambert on actress Megan Fox and rapper bro-turned-pop punk bro-turned-actor bro Machine Gun Kelly. Your objective: finish the 3795 word profile without coming to the conclusion that the couple is not the answer to Hot Topic’s mall goth prayers.
Lambert’s profile certainly makes a good case that Fox and Kelly are living their best Suicide Squad (Ayer, not Gunn) lives. You know, like, “edgy.” How edgy? We begin the magazine piece within a recording studio mise-en-scène as the lovers tattoo one another with the phrase “The darkest fairytale.”
“God, that’s sick... fucking best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my life,” Kelly tells his paramour upon completion.
The first time Fox met Kelly a few years’ back (long before they dated), she told him he smelled like weed, to which he responded, “I am weed.”
He also didn’t have a face that first meeting. Neither did Fox, who theorizes they weren’t yet ready for each other yet, “so our souls, our spirit guides, were luring us away from each other... like that thing from Spirited Away.”
It’s not all spirit guides and sick tattoos, though. “It’s ecstasy and agony, for sure,” MGK notes, adding that they regularly “go to hell with each other.”
“There’s also the demonic side,” confirms Fox.
Lambert, for their part, is well aware of your potential dismay to hear of the lovebirds’ objectively ridiculous whirlwind romance. “Some of you have never been in goth love and it shows,” they tweeted yesterday, which, okay, that’s a solid response to any and all criticism of the Hollywood couple.
In any case, that grinding sound you hear in the distance, reader, is the tee shirt factories going into overdrive to meet Hot Topic’s latest apparel orders. That, or an impending aneurysm.
Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com