Image: Nintendo

For many people, the question of whether or not Mario has a penis is moot. These beautifully small-minded souls either assume that Mario is a doughy little man, and so of course he has a penis, or they think that he is a fictional character designed to entertain children, and so of course he does not have a penis.

But for those among us who have spent many hundreds of hours occupying the corporeal form of the tiny plumber, the question of his sexual organs is no small matter. The existence of Mario’s penis has been hypothesized (and illustrated) many times over by various pornographic fan fictions, but canonically Mario remains stubbornly clothed, the smooth curvilinear arc of his crotch intoxicatingly unforthcoming. Pre-release trailers of the new and excellent Super Mario Odyssey revealed the existence of nipples on Mario, suggesting that beneath his clothing there existed some familiar organs. And now, as if to celebrate the release of that game, comes the revelation via a late-80s manga that Mario does, in fact, have a penis.

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It turns out all it took to uncover this mystery was Mario getting bit in the butt and being so surprised¬†that he popped right out of his famous coveralls. An incidental moment for him, to be sure, but its physiological implications for the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom remain vast, sure to be teased out by interested parties in the months and years to come. For now, let‚Äôs rejoice in one of those watershed moments in which much of written history has been torn to shreds, and we find a full academic field newly glittering with possibility‚ÄĒone small penis for Mario, but one giant leap for Mario-kind.

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