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Producers pull out Fifty Shades Of Grey’s tampon scene, leaving fans highly aroused

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With no regard for sensitivity or the mess it might create, producers have just reached in and yanked the “tampon scene” out of Fifty Shades Of Grey, according to Variety. “It didn’t make it into the movie. It was never even discussed,” director Sam Taylor-Johnson said of the unilateral, take-charge attitude and total lack of communication that is so irresistibly erotic, whether it involves forcibly removing a tampon so that an exceedingly wealthy man can have sex with you when he wants to, or just making a movie where that happens. Oh jeez, Taylor-Johnson thought, erotically. There goes my tampon scene. Holy crap.

As producer Michael De Luca explained while gingerly attempting to avoid violating the holes in its author’s terrible prose (you know, like a boring beta male would do), “The book needed to put you in Ana’s shoes to be a successful experience. A lot of it was very literal. The movie didn’t need to do that.” Instead, Fifty Shades the film will take a more impressionistic approach to the metaphorical sense of fucking on your period, as Christian Grey removes the emotional tampon from out Annastasia Steele’s heart, allowing her feelings to flow freely.

It will also significantly tone down the sex scenes of E.L. James’ novel-that-began-as-Twilight-fan-fiction, making for a “less racy,” R-rated version that will finally remove all the distracting, repetitious graphic sex from this story of two souls finding each other, then having repetitious graphic sex. “Fifty Shades Of Grey is first and foremost a romantic love story, and the sex is only part of that,” James insisted of her book, clearly aroused.

Indeed, it first and foremost consists of sweeping, romantic passages such as this one, in which the sex—and the erotic removal of a tampon to have sex—is only part of it. Really though, it’s about the contractually dictated love between two people, which not even menstruation can stop:

His breathing is ragged, matching mine.

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err… yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.

Here also is an animated version of that scene, because this is the Internet, sweet mother of all. [h/t to Uproxx]

Inarguably and raggedly, Fifty Shades fans may find the sudden withdrawal of their tampon scene upsetting, yet undeniably arousing. Still, it’s believed they’ll submit to the movie’s whims anyway, because that’s what relationships are. However, the movie damn well better not forget to put in the anal beads. After all, this is a love story.