Much as the straining of yogurt through a cloth removes the whey and leaves you with a more substantially sour taste, straining Full House nostalgia through the hazy gauze of time leaves you with this commercial for Dannon Oikos, set to premiere during this year’s Super Bowl. Since 2011, John Stamos has been the face of the Greek yogurt, presumably because Telly Savalas is dead, and for his latest spot, he’s called in a favor from Bob Saget—and done a favor and called Dave Coulier—to organize this Full House reunion, minus the kids. The kids, of course, were all murdered by Kimmy Gibler after the sitcom’s storyline ended, so their appearance here would obviously run counter to established Full House canon.
Though actually, it’s not entirely clear whether this commercial finds Stamos, Saget, and Coulier all sharing a house—and a bedtime—as themselves, or as their Full House characters. But if it’s the latter, it would seem the three have moved out of their original, no-longer-so-full house. Yet despite their new start and visibly advanced age, they still retain the crippling codependency that causes three grown men to live together, long after the reasons to do so have all dissipated, and to the detriment of their own personal development. And judging by just the contextual clues in this teaser for the full ad, which is a thing that exists now, Jesse has assumed the de facto father figure role: Note that he’s the only one wearing a man’s clothes and watching a man’s game, while Danny and Joey have slipped into despair and regressed into infancy, respectively.
Did Jesse’s music career continue to ascend, while the dreams of his brother and best friend crumbled? Are his days now spent spoonfeeding his broken roommates low-fat yogurt, while they metaphorically hang like helpless baby birds over his shoulders? Whatever happened to predictability? Find out on Feb. 2—or perhaps on Jan. 29, when all three participate in a live Good Morning America interview and Robin Roberts gets to the bottom of this, if she calls herself a journalist.
But don’t go to www.oikosbromance.com. It just has a bunch of shit about yogurt.