Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Look deep, deep into Glenn Beck's eyes

I saw Glenn Beck's comedy-cast when it was streamed live from the Party City where Beck bought his Thomas-Paine pantaloons to movie theaters around the country earlier this year, and, obviously, it was not funny. Ridiculous, yes. Funny, no. I think this is due in large part to the fact that Beck is only funny when he's trying to be serious. Critiquing the "hidden" "socialist" artwork at 30 Rock? Hilarious. Beck's lazy protester material? Groan-inducing.

Which is why if Glenn Beck wants to be a comedian, he should aim not for laughs but for tears, because whenever Beck tries to be inspirational, it truly is the funniest thing he could ever do. For example, behold Beck's trailer for his upcoming holiday inspiration-fest called, The Fucking Christmas Sweater. (The "fucking" is mine.)  

How inspired are you right now? Inspired enough to write a letter to Glenn Beck about "facing your storm" in a christmas sweater that he'll hopefully read in theaters this Christmas? No? Well, let's do it anyway!


Dear Glenn Beck,

After seeing your one-man movie The Christmas Sweater, I was so inspired to face my storm that I put on some Christmas socks with adorable cartoon reindeer on them that my mom gave me a few years back (we were never sweater people), stepped into my shower, and turned on the water full blast. (See, I live in New Mexico, and we don't get a whole lot of rain, let alone storms here, so I had to improvise.) As soon as the water hit me, I just felt so renewed. After a half hour of pressing my face against the showerhead, I turned off the water, and stepped out to dry off…but I kept the Christmas socks on the whole day. Sure, my feet felt a little clammy in those wet reindeer socks, but it was worth it cause I faced my storm using Christmas-wear!

Thank you, Glenn Beck, for teaching me about the magical healing properties of both storms and chintzy Christmas gifts.