No day is as bright as that day once a month when I get my new copy of Esquire magazine. (My girlfriends and I even have a code name for it: "My Aunt Esky's In Town" or sometimes, "I'm On The Rag, Specifically Esquire Magazine.") I usually flip right past the 3-page feature about choosing the right $1000 croquet set for me and the 1500-word article about how black stockings are the sexiest thing that ever sexed, to get to my fave feature: 10 Things You Don't Know About Women.
The Girls (my breasts, not my girlfriends—those are my "GFs,") and I love 10 Things You Don't About Women more than chocolate, shopping for Louboutins, that cutie from Chuck, and the hormonal rush that precedes ovulation because it's soooo true-to-life. And you know how they say, "It's funny cause it's true"? Well, that's sooo true, too! I mean, what's funnier than a list about the very true-to-life differences between men and women (besides, of course, a list about how black people are always like, "Yo, yo, yo!" and white people are always like, "Good day, fellow!" But to my knowledge a list like that doesn't exist in magazine-form anywhere.)
Sometimes, my GFs and I read aloud the 10 Things You Don't Know About Women list to each other over Dirty Martinis at our GNO (Girls Night Out, OMG!). We nod in agreement so much we get dizzy. ("The three words every woman longs to hear: I'll clean up." Preach on, Molly Shannon! "You wait for the weekend so you can watch the game. We wait for the weekend so we can window-shop." You said it, Carmen Electra!) Then usually one of us will stand up, Esquire in hand, and say "Does this list make me look fat?" And we all collapse into giggles because, well, duh, of course it does!
So imagine my excitement when I learned that the kidnapped Sex & The City writer that Esquire pokes with a cattle prod to generate these lists must have escaped, and the Magazine needs women like me to write them:
Building on our popular monthly feature 10 Things You Don't Know About Women, we want to educate the American man about women in a way no one ever has: By directly asking 10,000 of them.
What exactly does Esquire want you to tell us? It could be a secret about the female species that you want to finally let us men in on. Could be a helpful hint, or a piece of advice no one's ever had the heart or guts to give us. It could be something that you wish men would get through our thick heads.
You don't have to ask me twice, Esquire. I feel like my whole life has been building up towards this dashed-off list of clichés.
Here we go: 10 Things You Don't Know About Women
1. Fallopian tubes are a myth.
2. So are emotions. (God, you're so gullible.)
3. When we went to DC back in 1919, we weren't actually marching for the right to vote, we were all just looking for this cool new corset shop we heard about. LOL!
4. Our hair is made out of angel's tears. (We don't know why either.)
5. Every woman has a magical, bottomless handbag under her bed that holds all of her hopes and dreams. If you can find her bag, and drive a wooden stake through it, she will be yours forever (because all of her dreams will be dead).
6. Nail polish is the cure for the common cold.
7. Pink (the singer and the color) was a joke. You fell for it.
8. The sexiest thing a man can do is be Patrick Dempsey. Seriously. He's, like, our favorite!
9. Inside every woman is a baby (but only if she's pregnant).
10. All female areolas are detachable. If you catch a woman without hers, she has to grant you three wishes. Those are the rules.