Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
We may earn a commission from links on this page

Not even mass quarantines can stop the world's top Tool cover band from rocking out

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Image for article titled Not even mass quarantines can stop the world's top Tool cover band from rocking out
Photo: Taylor Hill (Getty Images)

The coronavirus is making things hard for everyone, but it’s creating an especially difficult time for people whose livelihoods depend on coming into often precarious jobs that require interacting with crowds. While there’s no solution in sight for many of these kind of workers (other than a drastic overhaul of how our economy and social welfare systems function!), an ingenious, totally legitimate Tool cover band has overcome the physical barrier’s world by broadcasting some of their music in place of a live show.


Created by Brad Evans and Nick Ciarelli (the two guitarists at the top of the screen, who have appeared here before and at Clickhole) and featuring vocals from an impressively soul-patched Drew Tarver, the clip shows “Flaccid,” a Tool cover band, livestreaming the show they had to cancel. Evans, as “Bryan Dunt,” explains that they could no longer play a set “at the Diamond Bar Teen Center because of this whole virus shit and because someone set it on fire.” We then learn that Flaccid has begun writing their “own original Tool songs” before hearing Evans/Dunt, Ciarelli (“Ryan McGregors”), and Tarver (“Trey”) perform one of them: “Microcosm.”

You can feel the spirit molecules surging through your bloodstream, your third eye blinking open to stare into the mathematical structures that unify all reality, as Flaccid performs a song (it’s the “Schism” bass part) with lyrics like, “Unlock the shadow secrets, religion belongs in a dungeon” and “I know the puzzle master’s secret, he lives in a maze of puzzles.”


The broadcast viewer count plummets from 26 to 0, but Flaccid presses on with their show. Between songs, we’re told that the band consists of “hardcore atheists” who are “believers in the power of logic and also magic and witchcraft.” Ciarelli/McGregors says they’re looking for a new drummer after their old one “died last week” after drinking “so much Pepto Bismol to win a Wii U in a radio contest that his kidneys exploded.” Flaccid then plays the intro to “Helix,” their next “original Tool song,” showing that no matter what obstacles the world might put in their path—viruses, dead drummers, or puzzle masters—the rock must go on.

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com