Nymphomaniac

While the running time of Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac is a mere five hours, the director—no five-hour-pump chump—has made it last much, much longer than that through months of the foreplay that is so crucial to enticing you into watching famous people have sex. But with his latest “appetizer,” Von Trier abandoned the subtle amuse-bouches of food metaphors and Willem Dafoe jerking off, and got right to the main intercourse. Introducing a chapter titled “The Little Organ School,” which we hope Shia LaBeouf is only just now finding out about, his newest clip features plenty full-frontal nudity, full-rear nudity, and full-on coitus, all set to the strains of Bach’s “Chorale Prelude In F Minor.” (The “F” stands for “Fuck, it’s way too early to watch Shia LaBeouf have sex.”)

In other words, it is very, very not safe for work—unless you “work” in a sort of enlightened, Parisian salon that rejects such provincial attitudes, and where you can openly explore the symbolism in Von Trier’s split-screen triptych of religious iconography, a leopard hunting its prey, and LaBeouf’s naked ass. And in fact, it's not even safe for YouTube: Minutes after this clip began making the rounds (and seconds before we were about to post it here), YouTube yanked the official version for violating its Terms of Service. We're not sure how long the above mirror will last (or what this means for future previews), but you'd better watch it quickly, if that's something you're into.