It might be a hard pill for Cubs fans to swallow, but it’s the truth: Southpaw, the White Sox mascot, is pretty darn cool. The lime green monster has boundless energy come gametime, but also maintains one of the funniest and most charming Twitter accounts in town. That’s no joke, either. Whether he’s talking about haircuts, fooling around in the stadium, or dog day at the park, Southpaw (or the people behind Southpaw, if you will) has a pretty good handle on what it means to be not only a fan of a team, but a friend to a fan. As fans, The A.V. Club just had to know more about this cool dude, so we hit him up for an e-mail interview. Skeptics, this one’s for you.
The A.V. Club: How do you type your tweets? Do you have a special large-finger keyboard?
Southpaw: Oh, ho, ho it’s magic, you know.
AVC: Do you carry your phone around and tweet during the game? Shouldn’t you be paying attention?
S: Have you seen the size of my eyes? They are giant. I see a lot of things at once. It’s one of my special powers.
AVC: What’s your favorite part of tweeting?
S: I can’t talk. So tweeting gives me a voice. I get to express my love for the White Sox, air conditioning, and string cheese.
AVC: Air conditioning and string cheese, huh? How can you eat string cheese with such furry hands?
S: String cheese is fun to eat. Just peel and devour. Besides, a little extra fur never hurt anyone.
AVC: What’s your favorite part of game day?
S: That’s a good question. The entire day is a favorite. I love the first pitch, meeting the lil’ fans on Comcast Fundamentals every game during the third inning, and watching fireworks after a White Sox win.
AVC: What’s a cool place to go in or around the Cell that most fans wouldn’t know about?
S: A cool place in the ballpark is the giant food freezer. It’s so cold I need to wear a nose warmer.
AVC: Who are your mascot best friends? Mascot enemies?
S: In Chicago I’m really tight with Tommy Hawk, Benny, Staley, and Ronald McDonald. We’re in a fur-ternity.
AVC: Anyone outside town? Are there inter-mascot rivalries?
AVC: Do you work out?
S: At night, I run up and down each step at U.S. Cellular Field blindfolded. I’ve trained with Chuck Norris.
AVC: What’s your relationship with Ozzie Guillen like?
S: Ozzie is one of my best friends. You may not have known this, but Ozzie is really good at charades.
AVC: What makes Ozzie good at charades? How do you know?
S: Ozzie knows exactly want I’m “saying.” We “talk” all the time.
AVC: How are the Sox going to do this year?
S: That’s a silly question. Of course the White Sox are going all the way this year.
AVC: Do you have a World Series ring? What size is it?
S: Yes, the team gave me a World Series ring. Not to brag, but my ring is about seven times bigger than everyone else’s.
AVC: What are your favorite Chicago restaurants?
S: I like restaurants that serve food.
AVC: Is it hard to fly in airplanes because you’re so tall?
S: I’ve been told to wear my seatbelt at all times. So, no flying in airplanes allowed.
AVC: Do you get stinky when it rains?
S: Have you ever smelled a wet dog? Yeah, it’s something like that.
AVC: Where do you buy your clothes, like your cool raincoat?
S: All of my clothing labels say, “Made With Love, Grammy.” So who ever Grammy is… thanks.
AVC: Do you have brothers and sisters like the Cincinnati Reds mascots?
S: I have a lot of brothers. We all play for the White Sox. Paulie, Mark, AJ… Want me to go on? I can name them all.
AVC: Where do you live?
S: My birthday is June 26. You can send your gift to my house: 333 W. 35th St. Chicago, IL 60616.
AVC: When you met Tom Skilling, you put his whole head in your mouth. What does Tom Skilling’s head taste like?
S: Tom Skilling is the man. He’s so rad. His hair tastes like Irish soda bread with a hint of boysenberry.