Steal These Lines

By Amelie Gillette | February 15, 2008 | 7:46pm

Aux Features Hater

Reading this article in the Wall Street Journal, I was trying to figure out which is worse: Stealing someone's online dating profile because you have no personality (or your personality is extreme laziness), getting angry enough at the person who stole your online dating profile to type the message, "Dude u like copied my whole myspace," or having an online dating profile in the first place. Then I read this:

The quest for originality has spawned the services of online-dating coaches and profile writers. Some of them are victims, too. Dave Mizrachi, 34, of Miami sells an "Insider Internet Dating" course for $97. Mr. Mizrachi includes his own dating profile, advising men to use it as a guide. But at least 25 people on Match.com have stolen his lines, including: "I get a lot of women emailing me, (which is great for an ego boost)." One man uses Mr. Mizrachi's photo.

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So this guy actually charges $100 for a course in how to inject parentheticals (and personality!) into dating profiles? Why not label the course what it really is, "Pay Me To Buff Your Blandness, Suckers!" Congratulations, Dave Mizrachi. You are the biggest asshole in a story that might as well have been called, "Internet Dating Is For Uncreative Assholes."

Still, as sad and lonely and creatively bankrupt as these people are, they clearly need help. No one goes through the trouble of stealing a line like, "I want an opposite. A yin to my yang" or paying some gigantic asshole to teach them how to form a sentence unless they're incredibly desperate (or have a giant mound of concrete where their brain should be).

So I've come up with some lines that are positively dripping with personality for these dating profile plagiarizers to steal. The best part? They cost nothing. Please, pilfer away and watch the dates roll in.

Suggested Personality-Filled Lines For Your Bland Dating Profile:

—"I'm looking for someone daring, exciting, bold. Someone who'll scare the shit out of me—preferably with a bat."

—"More about me: I chant. (If you want to find out what I chant, you'll have to message me!)"

—"You know that guy at the park, lounging on a blanket, casually strumming an acoustic guitar? That's me. Ha ha, just kidding. I'm nothing like that guy–though I do see him every Sunday when I go to the park to masturbate behind trees."

—"I'm just your average Jane. Well, your average Jane who is an extreme motocross champion. Intrigued?"

—"When I want to giggle, I think of dancing strawberries in tutus, or bananas with machine guns. If that makes me crazy, then put me in a tight-fitting straight jacket and lock me in a closet somewhere! (Please, please do this.)"

—"I'll hold your hand till it's all clammy and sweaty and we both want to let go but neither one of us will for a long while because letting go first is pretty awkward, but, honestly, not as awkward as I am."

—"I recently changed my name from 'Lauren' to 'Lawren.' That spelling is just much more we, ewe gno?"

—"Ever been to Paris? We could go tonight. FYI: Paris is located in my pants."

—"If you love the smell of maple syrup, romantic comedies, and mercilessly mocking public fountains for no real reason (God, those things are stupid, right?), don't hesitate to contact me!"