It's 2009, as you've all probably realized by now. And an article that begins with such a sweeping, obvious statement can only mean one thing: the author is coaxing you into the most horrible of new year traditions, the year-end Best Of/Worst Of list.
Still, the end of one year and the beginning of another does demand some kind of reflection, however shallow. So in order to make my year-end list more palatable I've decided once again to avoid the Best Of/Worst Of categorizations, and really the past year entirely, and instead look toward the future. What could be more appropriate in this, the age of hope? So here are my choices for Top Things Of 2009. (It's never too early to start!)
Top Three Movies Of 2009
Golf Camp: The Jonas Brothers Movie
Leave it to Disney's most popular pop troubadours to kickstart a tween golfing trend with this musical confection of a movie. And did anyone see that shocking third act twist coming? (Spoiler: I guess they'll have to change the band name to The Headless Jonas Brothers.)
2009 was the year America finally got the gripping man-child drama it always secretly craved. And as a homeless, drug-addicted former bachelor-party-planner trying to get clean and stay clean in Atlantic City while organizing the party boat that could make or break him, Vince Vaughn proved there's pathos somewhere underneath all that sarcasm.
Bill Maher's exploration of how the American democracy is totally absurd, and politicians are way dumb was both fun and informative–especially the last 20 minutes, when Maher stood on the steps of the Capitol and delivered a scathing slam poetry rant advocating the abolition of all political systems.
Top Three TV Shows Of 2009
Mad Men (AMC)
Until the show fast forwards to the 80s, at least, it's always Mad Men.
Dr. Drew Presents Has-Beens Crying In Therapy With Dr. Drew (VH1)
Is it exploitation if someone is exploiting himself? Whatevs. Don't worry about it. The group therapy trust-fall exercise when Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch accidentally dropped the guy from Color Me Badd was priceless.
Deal Or No Deal: Banker's Lair (NBC)
Was it a bold move for NBC to spin off an action-packed werewolf drama (produced by JJ Abrams), from their dull, long-running game show? Oh, yes. Did it pay off? As the oft-lupine banker would say: "Aooooooooooooo!"
Top Three Memorable Moments 2009
A Tear Rolls Down Jennifer Aniston's Cheek In Public
To see the beige expanse of Aniston's cheek, unexpectedly sliced in two by the trail of that solitary tear while she was waiting outside an LA restaurant for John Mayer to bring their SUV around, was a moment no one will ever forget. If any photo could capture the loneliness, the extreme isolation of fame it was that image. Also, it proved that she totally cries about Brad and Angelina all the time.
A Pile Of Chicks Sleeping On Top Of A Pile Of Sleeping Hamsters On Top Of A Pile Of Sleeping Kittens
Aww. Could it get any more cuddwy? Turns out it could–as we all found out with the publication of A Pile Of Chicks Sleeping On Top Of A Pile Of Sleeping Hamsters On Top Of A Pile Of Sleeping Kittens, the 16-page book chockful of adorableness that has sold more copies in its first 8 months than In Cold Blood has in 40 years!
Domino's Introduces Pizza Shakes
It was the blender heard around the world–And when other fast food companies saw that we were only too happy to take all the joy out of food and simply slurp depression through a straw, they quickly followed suit: McDonald's with the Big Mac In A Glass, and Burger King with the Whopper-oothie.
Word Of The Year 2009
Twitster (noun): 1. The game of Twister, played remotely by two or more people via Twitter. 2. A dull, or compulsive Twitter user.
Manx (noun): A girdle, often of the brand Spanx, used exclusively by men, if you believe the New York Times Style Section.