Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Australia now pretending it’s going to put Johnny Depp in jail

Illustration for article titled Australia now pretending it’s going to put Johnny Depp in jail

Upset that it failed to eradicate the scourge of Johnny Depp’s tiny dogs from the Earth—and that its threats to do so only led to a whole lot of obvious Simpsons references—Australia has issued its latest, incredibly serious decree regarding Depp’s dog-smuggling ring, the actor’s ugliest ring yet. Depp is now facing 10 years in jail, according to a very serious report from a super-serious Australian senate committee, or a fine of $340,000. Those are the options placed before Depp for his utter disregard of a country’s quarantine laws, which could cost him either 10 years of his life, or a complete decimation of his annual budget for hats. It’s very serious.


“It is very serious,” assembled members of the senate and Agriculture Department agreed. Their sentiments echoed the original complaints from Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce, who very seriously reminded the world of Australia’s strict biosecurity laws by telling two little terriers named Pistol and Boo to “bugger off.”

Upon their escape in a private airplane—and after facing worldwide backlash from fans of celebrity-owned dogs who will lick their assholes in finer places than they shall ever see—Joyce seemed to have been mollified. But now it was the turn of the Australian Parliament to talk seriously about Johnny Depp’s dogs, instead of whatever else it was they were supposed to be doing.

“A complete balls up,” another committee member declared, according to the Sydney Morning Herald. Such dense political jargon only solidifies how serious the situation is, as does Senator Richard Colbeck’s testimony as to how the dogs were discovered in the first place: “A celebrity brought their dogs in to be pampered,” Colbeck said. “The dogs were duly pampered and that pampering was put onto social media.” This was followed, the Herald reports, by “committee chairman Bill Heffernan’s best Yorkie impersonation.” Indeed, all very serious. One might even say Yahoo Serious.

While the committee pretends as though it might trap Johnny Depp in a box for 10 years—a punishment that would mean nothing to the star of the Pirates Of The Caribbean series—the pilot who flew Depp’s dogs into Australia also faces two years in prison. Because the pilot is not Johnny Depp, that might actually be serious.