First things first: Movies Rock! was not technically an awards show. No honors were given out, no acceptance speeches were made, and no gold statuettes (or pointy lucite pyramids of mediocrity) were brandished. Rather, Movies Rock! was "a celebration of music and film," which, along with millinery and badger-hunting, are some of the least celebrated modern art forms. In fact, sometimes I forget that music and film are two of the most powerful, magical, transformative things that human beings can experience, so it's good that there was an entire show to remind me of that fact by saying exactly that over and over again for two hours on CBS.

Basically, I have no idea what Movies Rock! was supposed to be. What's more, I'm pretty sure the producers of Movies Rock! had no idea what it was supposed to be. Overall, I think the show was put together in response to an elaborate dare of some kind, as in, "I dare you to make a two hour program that combines the worst aspects of awards shows–terrible music performances, weighty speeches, endless tribute montages, Beyonce–without actually giving out any awards. Also, involve Queen Latifah singing, 'Hey, Big Spender' in some way."

Still, Movies Rock did prove one thing: movies absolutely, positively, do not rock. You know how they say that all movie stars want to be rock stars? Well, apparently all rock stars want to be milquetoast cabaret singers at the "Hooray For Hollywood" revue. Case in point: Usher performing "Singing In The Rain."

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(By the way, it's 2007.)

Of course, there are also some rock stars who seem to exist only to convince you that both movies and music should be put out of their misery just to make the screeching, and the pyrotechnics, and the catsuits stop. Behold, the magic of Fergie:

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