Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Belle won’t wash her damn filthy hands in this Beauty And The Beast coronavirus parody

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Screenshot: YouTube

A lot—and we mean a lot—of coronavirus-centric song parodies have emerged over the last several weeks-that-feel-like-months. The Knack even covered their own song, for crying out loud. And the following video is not the first to throw some Disney into the mix. It is, however, among the most demented, because it operates on a fiendishly simple principle: What if Belle, the heroine of Beauty And The Beast, was one of those fuckheads who absolutely refuses to practice social distancing, can’t be bothered to wash her hands, just loves a non-essential errand, and doesn’t sneeze into her elbow?

Not pictured: Belle returning from her spring break trip to Florida. True, and a bit alarming. Who’d have ever thought that this could be?


Seriously, this parody, created by musician Sharon Luxenburg and brought to our attention by this simple viral tweet, is kind of devilishly perfect. Yes, there’s some slant rhyme and the odd typo, but the little details really make it sing. The hysterical “I Need! Six Eggs!” lady is here very distressed by having to homeschool her bazillion children, the sleazy butcher wants to shelter-in-place with his attractive customer, and all the gossip about Belle has nothing to do with her being a bookworm and more to do with her being an asshole who “isn’t sick.”

To be fair to this version of Belle, it looks like the whole quiet village (not so quiet, really) is doing a terrible job of social distancing during the time of COVID-19. But she seems to be a special case, and is downright Hudgensian in her thinking: “True, now the death rate’s higher, but we can’t control when we will die, so let it be.”

In short, even a person who seems healthy can be infected, carrying this virus to the bookshop, the bakery, the butcher, the picturesque fountain, the list goes on. Come to think of it, very few of the Disney princesses would handle this crisis well. Ariel is a slob who brushes her hair with utensils—doesn’t speak to great hygiene habits. Cinderella keeps a tidy household but when she’s told to stay at home she sneaks out and goes to balls and stuff. (Lots of Disney princesses do that, in fact.) Snow White would be pretty okay once she’s in that glass coffin but surely all seven dwarves are vulnerable, being of advanced years, and Dopey seems to already have a bit of a respiratory condition. But there’s always Aurora of Sleeping Beauty fame, who expertly social distances (though to by choice), and most appropriately Frozen’s Elsa, who while not technically a Disney princess, does spend the first movie self-isolating in an ice palace and even before that constantly wears gloves.

Anyway, stay inside and wash your hands, or you’ll never deliver true love’s kiss before the last rose petal falls, you dumbass.

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