Have the eyes of a portrait ever followed you? You hop from corner to corner, but those eyes never stray from your own. In your belly sprouts the fear, the dreadful unease that accompanies the sense that you’re being watched. Now, replace “eye” with “nipple” and you’ll get an understanding of what it’s like to view the above video.
YouTuber Jake Alewel birthed this unblinking horror on the 4th of July, when he filmed himself skiing shirtless and, for some godforsaken reason, decided to stabilize his nipple as he did so. As his body zigs, skitters, and bounces down the slopes, his nipple remains an unnerving presence, the placid eye of some violent storm.
You wouldn’t be blamed for mistaking the clip’s final seconds, when the tape is sped up to a spastic pace, for an outtake from the latest season of Twin Peaks. But could David Lynch even conjure up something so frightening?