Hello, would you like to hear Tom Hardy's mixtape from 1999?

By Sam Barsanti | January 18, 2018 | 11:04pm

Aux News Film

In a 2011 interview with the BBC, Tom Hardy admitted that he tried to launch a career as a rapper when he was a teenager, explaining that it “was a very hard sell” because he came “from a nice middle-class neighborhood” and because he “wasn’t very good.” He claimed to have recorded “loads of stuff” with legitimate producers, but none of it had ever been released. It was a fun celebrity anecdote, and it gave us all a chance to try and picture the supervillain in the weird mask laying down some rhymes or the pilot in the Spitfire dropping some sick beats, but we never actually had to listen to Hardy’s admittedly lousy raps. Unfortunately, TV writer and director Edward Tracy has now uploaded a mixtape of tracks he did with Hardy to Bandcamp, and they are—as promised—not very good.

Under the names Tommy No. 1 and Eddie Too Tall, the mixtape features such hits as “We Makes The Beats (Hairy Mix),” “Bring The Fucking Noise,” “Sit Your Arse Down,” “Dr. Livingstoned,” and “We Makes The Beats (Codpiece Mix).” It’s hard to pick out which of the songs is the best, but one track called “Red Light Beams” is only 41 seconds long, so that gives it a slight edge over the others. There’s also a song called “Rotton Cocksuckers Ball” that every Tom Hardy fan should probably hear at least once, just so they can properly experience his full range.