J.K. Rowling sues former employee for buying too many cats, the witchiest crime of all

To us, though, most of the items Donaldson is accused of illegally charging sound less like personal indulgences, and more like vital working tools for the eldritch arts. Where you poor, myopic muggles and no-majs might see more than $2,000 in Starbucks purchases, for instance, we see all-important “magic juice.” $1,936 in luxury candles? “Incantation supplies.” A $600 Hogwarts Express toy that Donaldson is accused of stealing? Well, how the hell else is she supposed to get off of Platform 9 3/4? The Whomping Willow already demolished Arthur Weasley’s flying car!

Clearly, this is just another (and very literal) witch hunt, with Rowling suing Donaldson for allegedly taking a total of something like $31,000 worth of stuff over her three-year tenure as her assistant, as though money doesn’t just grow on trees. (We haven’t actually seen Crimes Of Grindlewald yet, but we assume it contains at least one scene where money absolutely grows on a tree. If not, we formally apologize for the previous sentence.)