Photo: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

Hey, we know that a lot of important stuff is going on in the world, but real quick: Did you know that Sean Penn wrote a short story under the pen name “Pappy Pariah?” It’s true! Penn, an (alleged) shitty dude of the sort that so often dominates headlines in 2017, released an audiobook titled Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff last year, narrated by Penn but written under the aforementioned pseudonym. At the time, Penn insisted “Pappy Pariah” was a real person, and spun a tale about meeting Pappy in a bar in 1979 and randomly getting a package containing the “dangerous” “memoir” in the mail decades later:

But, as The Wrap reports, now that Sean Penn has the opportunity to add “novelist” to his business card (alongside, presumably, “raconteur” and “warrior poet”), he’s dropped the charade. With the aid of publisher Atria Books, he’s turning that story, about “a man of many trades–sewage specialist, purveyor of pyrotechnics, contract killer for a mysterious government agency that pays in small bills,” into a full-length novel due out March 2018. In a fawning press release, Atria Books VP Peter Borland says, “Sean Penn, already acclaimed for his landmark work in film and journalism, makes a bold entrance in the literary world this inventive, provocative novel that showcases all of his gifts as a storyteller.”

The Wrap’s story isn’t clear on whether the book will be published under Penn’s real name or not. But should he decide to adopt a new pseudonym and the bottom shelf of the whiskey aisle doesn’t provide sufficient inspiration, we have a few suggestions for achieving that certain “dirty old man who’s convinced his drunken ramblings are prophecy” je ne sais quoi:

Uncle Wastrel

Kissin’ Cousin Cornmash

Brother Huffinchaw

Gator Gator, Jr. Jr.

Underbridge Hopkins

Ol’ Trashfire

Holler Jones

Boxcar Stepdad

Dirty Grandpa

Roy Moore

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