Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

New Year's Eve

From the depths of the studio bank account that brought you Valentine’s Day comes New Year’s Eve, another multi-headed hydra of famous faces risen from the murky underworld of ensemble romantic comedies. Like Garry Marshall’s last collage of sitcom moments loosely arranged around a major holiday, the film boasts an all-star cast that should make its box-office chances impossible to kill, no matter how poisonous the storylines they’re forced to breathe.


The trailer rushes you through most of these, no doubt giving them the same depth and consideration as the actual movie: Ostensible focal point Josh Duhamel is looking for The One, whom he met during his last New Year’s Eve (maybe Yeardley Smith can help him find her?). Sarah Jessica Parker is a lonely single lady in the city who makes pretty dresses but can’t wear them anywhere, because she is sad and lonely. (COULD SHE, IN FACT, BE THE ONE???!) Michelle Pfeiffer is an equally sad, even older lady who is bored with being sad and old, so she recruits bro-heim bike messenger Zac Efron to make her feel “amazed” again, only-in-New-York-style, bro. Seth Meyers and a very pregnant Jessica Biel want to have a New Year’s baby; Hilary Swank and Ludacris want to have a serious storyline, but sorry, no. Jon Bon Jovi wants to get back together with Katherine Heigl, but she’s in a slapping mood, and receiving sass support from Sofia Vergara.

Elsewhere, Abigail Breslin has what looks to be her first kiss, Halle Berry and Robert De Niro drop by as part of their community service or something, and a depression-bearded Ashton Kutcher mopes around Lea Michele and uses the word “Kanye” as a punchline, because that is what hip people laugh at. Also appearing, though not all in the trailer: Ryan Seacrest, Carla Gugino, Alyssa Milano, Sienna Miller, John Lithgow, Ice Cube, Julie Andrews, Frankie Muniz, John Stamos. As Heigl says at one point, New Year's Eve has “more celebrities at this thing than rehab,” which is something else that you are expected to recognize as a joke because a famous person is saying it.