Over the past month, the world has been gripped with a UFO fever the likes of which we haven’t seen since that time everyone got really carried away with the idea of storming Area 51 back in 2019. It’s within this news climate that The New York Times reported a story regarding Martian fields filled with watermelons then, not long afterwards, immediately claimed it had only published the piece by accident.
This past Tuesday, an article titled “Fields Of Watermelons Found On Mars, Police Say” appeared at The Times. It was light on information, but what it did include was shocking. Its subheading, which can still be viewed thanks to an archived version, reports: “Authorities say rise of fruit aliens is to blame for glut of outer space watermelons.”
The piece is credited to Joe Schmoe and continues by stating that “The FBI declined to comment onreports [sic] of watermelons raining down, but confirmed that kiwis have been intercepted. This story is terribly boring.” A small text panel concludes, “watermelon taste good, police say.”
This is obviously pretty revolutionary stuff. Not only is Mars capable of supporting life—per the paper of record—but it’s home to fields of watermelons. After what must have been a very swift visit from the Men In Black, however, The Times issued a correction, writing that, “A mock article intended for a testing system was inadvertently published on this page earlier.” We can only imagine what sort of threats the Reptilians made toward the Times editors in order to get them to retract this information so quickly.
Considering how intent humanity appears to be on destroying every last watermelon here on Earth, we’re going to need to find new fields of them somewhere in the cosmos if we don’t want to run out. Obviously, the secret powers governing our planet from the shadows (or its hollow core) know that watermelons will be the next resource over which great wars are fought. They may have protected Mars’ vast melon bounty for now, but the truth can’t hide from us forever.
[UPDATED 6/10]: An earlier version of this story credited HuffPost, though Futurism was actually the publication responsible for breaking The Times’ space watermelon report first.
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