Anxiety about nuclear annihilation is at a fever pitch right now, what with the fate of the world resting on the dick-size insecurities of a senile TV star surrounded by apocalyptic sociopaths yearning for naught but fire and bloodshed. And while war of this variety would lead to suffering and death on a global scale, it would also likely stop Wendy’s from ever releasing another mixtape, so it sorta evens out.
Capitalizing on their hard-earned reputation as “the naughty fast-food conglomerate,” earned over the past year by, um, fighting with other fast-food conglomerates on Twitter, Wendy’s new five-track EP runs a brief 10 minutes, with track titles like “Twitter Fingers,” “Rest In Grease,” and, perhaps worst of all, “4 For 4$” (sic). It all sucks. The first line on it is “cold with the flows but the meat ain’t frosty.” As with 2016's Hamburger Helper mixtape , it is competently produced and executed, but it is also a rap mixtape from the persona of the Wendy’s mascot—“redhead with these pigtails / fast food’s first lady”—full of puns about beef and driving through and you get the picture. It is almost all directed at McDonald’s, who just rose to the top of our internal fast-food-chain power rankings by virtue of not having released a rap mixtape.
Do not fuck this up, McDonald’s. Do not be goaded into responding. Just keep making french fries.
Elsewhere on the internet, Texas Roadhouse and Outback Steakhouse have begun their own campaign of mutually assured consumption, which:
Yeah. This should not need said, but we’ll say it anyway: Brands are not people, and they are absolutely not rappers.