Real human being Mitt Romney wants to remind you that "hot dog is my favorite meat"

Real human being Mitt Romney wants to remind you that "hot dog is my favorite meat"
Photo: Rick Friedman

Mitt Romney is desperate for you to believe that he’s a real flesh-and-blood human being and not the skin-draped robot manufactured in a Koch brothers laboratory that we know he truly is. In the past, perhaps sensing that organic society was getting close to unveiling his terrifying mechanical secret, Romney scrambled to assert his humanity by proudly telling an interviewer that his “favorite meat is hot dog” and that his “second favorite meat is hamburger.”

“I like hot dog best and I like hamburger next best,” he continued, the language center of his steel brain stumbling slightly as it tried to process and output relatable-sounding sentences.

Now, his adaptive behavior core having registered the attention these bizarre comments generated, Romney has brought back his opinion in the form of a video celebrating National Hot Dog Day.

Lifelike eyes peering out from a synthetic face far too youthful to accurately represent a 72-year-old man, Romney looks into the camera, saying that “this is National Hot Dog day and, as you know, hot dog is my favorite meat.”

“I have a good one here, sliced in half with some pickles, onions, and ketchup, which is the way I prefer it,” he says. “So, enjoy a hot dog.”

The short performance is almost convincing, though its details—the “sliced in half” hot dog and the unusual combination of “pickles, onions, and ketchup” making up the AI’s hastily-written “way I prefer it”—are as uncanny as the human-like frame they issue from.

Pity the poor technician who, later that night, had to peer into a deactivated Romney’s mouth cavity with a headlamp, using delicate tools to clean the mashed bread, bun, and condiments from the political robot’s various gears and servos. Is this kind of thankless work still worth it? The senatorial position Romney holds is powerful, sure, but after a failed presidential bid and the constant need to show the public that he can, in fact, name new TV shows uploaded to his database or eat his favorite hot dog and hamburger meat on film, the maintenance costs must be getting out of hand.

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