Cheerleaders, penises, and twigs

By Amelie Gillette | April 25, 2006 | 8:22pm

Aux Features Hater

Friends sucks.

I've watched maybe 3 whole episodes, and clips of countless others over the years, and that is the conclusion I reached a while ago. The show is one step above

Most Popular

Michael Sheen breaks silence on making Good Omens after Neil Gaiman accusations
Growing up and falling out couldn't keep Danny Boyle and Ewan McGregor apart
Despite being set almost a century ago, Outrageous couldn’t feel more timely

Will & Grace, 10 steps below Seinfeld and clinging to the same shoddy rung as Two And A Half Men. (Just picture a sitcom hierarchy ladder, ok?)

But now, thanks to the dismissal of the ridiculous Friends lawsuit (and thesmokinggun.com), we can finally see the process behind all that suckiness.

Turns out, the Friends writers' sexual fantasies and raunchy jokes are just as lame and uncreative as the show itself. Here are a few examples, taken straight from the declaration of the "harrassed" assistant:

Greg Malins enjoyed telling everybody about his fetish to have sex with cheerleaders. Several of the writers made lewd and offensive drawings of women some of which involved cheerleaders and some involved breasts

Does a cheerleader fantasy even count as a fetish? If so, that's the most boring fetish ever. Next thing, he'll say he has a penis-in-vagina fetish, or a heterosexuality fetish.

[The writers] would say that what they liked was 'a woman with big tits who could give a blowjob.'

God, is that even worth saying? This fantasy is so exciting I just fell asleep.

One of the writers would take a copy of the Friends script cover and blacken out letters to make it say 'penis'. When he would blacken out the letters to say 'penis,' he would say "this is the most important thing you'll learn on Friends."

Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz

[One of the writers] said that Courtney Cox's pussy was full of dried up twigs and said that if her husband put his dick in her she'd break in two.

Finally! A halfway amusing image. I knew that the people behind such halfway amusing lines like, "We were on a break!" could sort of, almost make it happen.