As you've probably heard from the Vatican podcast by now, this week the Catholic church updated the Seven Deadly Sins. The classics (Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Lust, Pride, Wrath, Envy) still stand, but the church has added seven new categories of sin, in the hope of keepin' up with the crazy ways the kids are sinning these days.

From the NY Times, the bright, shiny, new sins are:

1. "Bioethical" violations such as birth control

2. "Morally dubious" experiments such as stem cell research

3. Drug abuse

4. Polluting the environment

5. Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor

6. Excessive wealth

7. Creating poverty

While not as sleek and elegant as the old 7 Deadly Sins, the official recognition of these new, trendy sins is sure to lead to one thing: a cheap sequel to the seven-deadly-sins serial killer thriller, Se7en. But how will the killer in Se7en x 2 = Fourt14en manage to murder his victims by turning these new sins against the sinners? Below are a few suggestions:

1. Bioethical Violations


Murder Method: This one's easy: poison-tipped condom.

2. Morally Dubious Experiments


Murder Method: Smothered to death inside a giant petri dish (cinematic!), or the sinner/scientist is forced to harvest his own stem cells at gunpoint.

3. Drug Abuse


Murder Method: Poison-tipped rehab. Or, you know, the old-fashioned overdose. (Aside: How is this sin not included under the ample umbrella of gluttony?)

4. Polluting The Environment


Murder Method: Drowning in an oversized, purely metaphorical carbon footprint? Or the killer could lock an H2 Hummer owner in his garage with the engine running.

5. Widening The Divide Between Rich & Poor


Murder Method: This one doesn't lend itself to easy murder translation. Um, so, maybe the killer could slice a millionaire to death via paper cuts from his advantageous-tax-break-filled tax returns?

6. Excessive Wealth


Murder method: Crushed underneath his net worth converted into gold bullion. Or someone's head in a box, covered in diamonds.

7. Creating Poverty


Murder Method: Pelted to death by pennies—one thrown by every poor person in the world.