In the 2002 movie Ghost Ship, an entire ballroom full of people on an ocean liner is bisected by a wire cable when it snaps and cuts a deadly path through the ship, thus turning all the passengers into ghosts, and the ship into (Spoiler Alert!) a super-haunted Ghost Ship. (As an opening scene featuring the instant death of a large group of people, it's second in ridiculousness only to the opening scene of King Ralph, when the entirety of the British royal family is electrocuted while posing for a photo on a wet castle lawn, thus leaving only John Goodman, a distant, distant relative and a total everyday dude, to assume the throne.)

But after watching Ghost Ship, the question remains: Why did I just watch Ghost Ship? But also: What if some of those people had been bisected by an errant cable someplace else? What if they died on land, say, somewhere in the Midwest? Or, more specifically, at a gym in Kansas? What would Ghost Ship be then? Easy. It would be Ghost Gym, a movie concept that is infinitely more frightening because, according to this CNN report (good thing there's no news!), it could be based on a true story:



Far be it from me to call CNN's reporting into question, but despite the fact that a ghostly orb was clearly lifting weights on that surveillance video, I'm not buying that it's an actual ghost. For one thing, ghosts aren't real. But even if ghosts were real, they definitely wouldn't be haunting the weight room at an Overland Park, Kansas gym. No one likes the gym that much. Even if someone was bisected by a loose Nautilus cable, or crushed underneath a huge pile of yoga mats, or electrocuted after standing on a wet treadmill and flipping on the gym TV, and their restless spirit was condemned to haunt the gym for all eternity, they'd definitely find a way to escape (possess a gym member, maybe, or just haunt the outside of the gym)–that's how terrible haunting a gym for all eternity would be.

In the hierarchy of places to haunt, "spooky abandoned Victorian mansion" is probably number one, followed by "spooky abandoned mental hospital." "Ocean liner" is somewhere in the middle. But "gym" is near the bottom, after "the Wet Seal at Lakeside Shopping Center," and "Smoothie King: Penn Station."

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