For last week's 100 Most Beautiful Issue (a thing that you should continue to stop caring about), People magazine faced a daunting task. Namely, how to fill 120 pages with the essence of these beautiful people. The answer seems simple: Pictures. Of their beautiful faces/bodies. But People wanted to discover something deeper behind the beauty, so they hired a "Chinese Face Reader" to "divine the fortunes and personalities" of a bunch of celebrity faces. The result? A flood of crap. Here are a few examples, complete with my translations. 1. Jake Gyllenhaal

Chinese Face Reader Says:"M-Shaped hairline means he's attractive to women." Translation: Jake Gyllenhaal's hairline, eyes, nose, mouth, cheekbones, and face in general mean that he's attractive to women. And men. Also, the fact that he's a movie star smells better than pheremones. 2. Antonio Banderas

Chinese Face Reader Says: "The knob on the end of his nose is a sign of someone who likes to be surrounded by beauty and beautiful things." Translation: Is it 1997? Why is Antonio Banderas on here? Because of that ghetto kids overcoming things through ballroom dance movie? Anyway, yes. He enjoys being surrounded by beautiful things. Like Melanie Griffith. 3. Lindsay Lohan


Chinese Face Reader Says: "Her deep-set eyes mean she's an introvert at heart. She needs space and privacy." Translation: The Chinese Face Reader owns a copy of Speak.