While yipping menacingly at reporters outside the White House this morning, Kellyanne Conway was briefly distracted by a squirrel. Conway was sent out to deal with CNN’s Alisyn Camerota, who had ostensibly come soliciting for comments on Trump’s newer, even more tremendous War on Drugs, when Conway instinctively slipped in a dig at the Democratic National Committee over the recent reports that it was involved in funding Russia’s infamous Trump dossier. When Camerota countered with the even more recent allegations that Trump’s campaign had reached out to WikiLeaks about unearthing Hillary Clinton’s missing emails, Conway responded by robotically launching into a greatest hits medley of Clinton’s failure to secure voters in Wisconsin and Michigan, media’s liberal bias, Trump’s effectiveness as a communicator, and and—clearly bored herself, she then tried a different mode of deflection: talking to squirrels.
“And frankly, he was just a better messenger and communicator than she was,” Conway said. “So, I just said she, and I know I was brought on… God, I hope that’s a squirrel and not a rat… Um, I was, yeah. Hi, squirrel.”
Hi, squirrel! Thank you for your squirrel service—graciously giving us all this much-needed moment of frivolity and excuses to link to that dog from Up amid so much dissembling bullshit. We hope you found some tasty acorns before the salted earth spreading outward from at Conway’s feet overtook the whole lawn. As Conway herself laughed, your interruption is “better than the lawnmower that’s always back there,” whose loud drones, try as they might, are simply not enough to drown out the rusty sawing of Conway’s own mechanical cacophony.
Anyway, Conway recovered and immediately resumed rehashing why Hillary Clinton lost while simultaneously avowing, “I’ll make you a deal, I’ll never say a word again” about her. Hurry back, squirrel! Bring all your woodland friends!