Howdy, ya’ll! Who’s ready for some good ol’ down-home pandering to a stereotyped Southern mentality? If anyone knows how to pander via the lazy tropes of countrified slang, it’s that there dang Paula Deen! You may remember that poor gal: after getting fired from the Food Network for cooking up a crockpot full o’ tasty racism, she decided to launch her own wang-dang-doodle online network, where, freed from the oppressive attitudes of those who disapprove of her acceptance of oppression, she can shove a stick of butter wherever she darn tootin’ well pleases. Now, to go along with that new plan, she apparently wants some new digs wherein she can fire up the vittles dispenser and git a-cookin’. So, she’s selling the little old country home she owns, a hardscrabble little slice of country life that happens to be a $12.5 million compound in Savannah, Georgia. Let’s take a tour, y’all!
To enter Paula’s sprawling residence, simply drive through the two small gatehouses holding up a horizontal wooden fence over your head, like some sort of deranged game of Limbo for your car. Once you’re through, congratulations! You have just entered Paula’s home—or the “Deen Of Inequity,” as they like to call it, for actually serious reasons having to do with racial and income inequality.
When traversing the approximately 14,500 square feet of land, be sure to admire them there flowers growing liberally around the premises., although you’re encouraged not to use the word “liberal” in any way. The Deen family likes to say they “put the ‘plant’ in ‘plantation’.” Ha ha! They have fun.
Like kitchens overflowing with various cookware and appliances Deen hasn’t actually touched since the early ’90s? They’ve got one! Why, you could rustle up some biscuits n’ gravy lickety split, as long as you’re willing to climb the ladder to reach the spoons. (Only ladles are kept at normal height. Small crap like spoons are stored where other unnecessary Deen-utensils are stored.)