One of the saddest yet most freeing things about getting older is the realization that our lives are not three-act plays. There is no structure, no clean arcs, no archetypal figures. There is no easy, digestible explanation for the horrors of this world. Chaos reigns, and the narratives we see are the ones we create for ourselves. Of course, not everyone comes to this realization. Some people say elementary school shootings are hoaxes and send their followers after the victims’ parents. Yep, Alex Jones loves a good narrative; the crazier, the better.
In this sense, he’s very much a child, spitting deranged, illogical fantasy from his mouth at the same rate it fills his cloudy, reptilian brain. These bonkers narratives extend to every part of his existence, from his macho posturing and custody battles to the snake oil supplements he peddles and the idea that literally anyone wants to see him take his shirt off.
And that’s why Cafe’s new web series, Lil’ Alex Jones, is so inspired. On a set evocative of Jones’ Infowars desk, an adorable moppet bellows with bug-eyed lunacy about the myriad conspiracies being peddled out by his evil step-dad, Mark, who, despite Lil’ Alex’s accusations, seems like a stand-up dude.
Lil’ Alex rants against Flintstone vitamins (“They’re ritalin pills dressed up as Barney Rubble!”), bathing (“Our founding fathers took a single bath once a month!”), sharing (“Free will has been seized by commie scum!”) and The Lorax (“Granola-loving environmentalist trash!”). He also likes to own the libs in the same way as many other alt-right extremists: Self-humiliation. In the below episode, he encourages viewers to piss their beds before the deep state can. “You wanna pee on my bedsheets?” he yells. “You’re gonna have to beat me to it!”
You tell ‘em, son.